Empty.

There are flowers all around my hospital room.
They will die too.

Lots of emails, texts and Facebok messages to see how we are doing.
It is mindless clicking to respond. The room is quiet.

I have IVs hooked up, pain meds in me.
Nothing can take away this pain...ever.

I keep hearing the same comment that I'm the strongest woman people know and I will make it through this.
I don't want to be strong. I want to curl up in my daddy's arms and cry.

There is crying in the middle of the night, several times.
From me.

I want to know why.
But I don't really want to.

I KNOW everything happens for a reason.
No reason will make this easier.

I got to hold him in my arms and touch his little hand.
It was surreal. I wanted him so badly to 'wake up'.

I wake up several times a night wondering what I did wrong.
Then I remember that he must have done something right for our Father in Heaven to need him back so quickly.

Making phone calls to people that are expecting a phone call about my new baby was hard.
This wasn't the phone call anyone wanted to get.

He looks just like his big brother Sterling.
Now he is watching over his family.

He is watching over us along with his namesake.
My grandfather Virgil was a strong man loved by many.

Hearing the two most important men in my life cry is almost impossible to bear.
My Dad and Brian.

It doesn't matter what people say.
He is gone.

I had to say good-bye...before I got to say hello.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Truman Virgil Bohn
9 lbs, 11 ounces
21 inches
Stillborn November 23rd, 2009

No one else...

The other day I was thinking to myself, I wouldn't want to do this (meaning life) with anyone else. Brian and I get each other (most of the time).





We LOVE to laugh together.


We love life together.


We parent together (yes, this is a team sport).


We are raising our children in faith together.


We are blessed to have each other, but I definitely got the better end of that deal!


We share the same values and views on life.





He is my rock.


He is my angel when I've had an awful day and he knows just what to do without me asking.


He knows what to say to make me feel better.


He is spiritually amazing.


He is the best father.


He is an amazing husband.


He is my best friend.


He makes me laugh all the time.


He cherishes me and I know it.


He loves me and tells me every day.


He is the best example of what a man should be and what a husband and father should be for my children.





Every time we are about to welcome another new baby into our lives I feel so close to Brian. I am thankful for him and all he does. I hope he knows it. I tried to tell him this stuff the other night, but it comes out so sappy it makes us both laugh.





Thank you, babe, for being you and loving me.




PS > This picture was taken by my fabulous friend Tristine :)

So much to do!

I need to do SO much before this baby gets here! I just have zero energy. Actually, if it was possible to have less than that I would have that.

I'm in nesting mode and I feel like a bystander. Poor Brian! The other night I said, "I want to rearrange our bedroom furniture." Yes, this was late at night. He compromised and we decided to reorganize a different night. Our room looks SO much better now and it flows easier. Still not 100% sure where we will put the playpen/bassinet in our room while the in-laws are here and sleeping in the nursery.

I am stocked up on diapers (thanks to a STELLAR diaper deal I got at Kmart a few months ago) and wipes (thanks to an AWESOME Target deal I got last week!).

I still need to empty the dresser in the nursery and box up the clothes and get out the baby neutral clothes that I have and the newborn boy and girl clothes just in case!

I need to pack the hospital bag. Isn't it funny...with Harrison the hospital bag was packed and his carseat was in the car 2 months early? Now we are 17 days away and nothing. Soooo funny!

I need to make burp cloths -- I have TONS of flannel I bought for a Christmas project last year and didn't end up making.

I need to finish two albums for work.

I just need to organize a LOT of stuff in this house!

Okay...if I keep going I may start to cry LOL.

On a happier note? I can't wait to meet this little one! I am already in love and I don't even know if it is a boy or girl :) I think I'm REALLY looking forward to the two hours that Brian and I have before the C-section where they just hook you up to the monitors and you await the C-section. I am looking forward to that a lot, just the two of us. I'm already anticipating the tears that will be shed on the way to the hospital, though, since I won't be home with my boys. It's not my first night away from them, but it is still hard nonetheless. At least I know they will be in good hands :) Grandma and grandpa's that is!

Speaking of Grandmas and Grandpas. I'm SO glad that my in-laws will be able to stay with us for a little bit after the baby gets here -- I don't know how I would do it otherwise! Thankfully we will have Grandma Kay, Grandpa Perry & Auntie Janet. My parents are on their mission so they won't get to meet this little on until August :( I'm just kind of ignoring this since I'll start to cry like the baby I am without my mom here with me. Having a baby is just one of those things you need your mommy for. I'm tearing up just thinking about it, so I have to stop writing about it.

I kind of think Sterling is starting to anticipate a change since he has become REALLY whiney lately...totally not like him. He is whiney and throws tantrums like I have never seen. I'm sure he will transition just fine into being a big brother but oh, his little world will be rocked!

Harrison is so excited to be a big brother again. EVERYWHERE we go he tells people "My mommy is having a baby." And if they ask if it is a boy or a girl and I tell them I dont' know Harrison pipes up "It's a girl baby!" He is SURE it is a girl. If you ask him why it is a girl baby his response is, "Because we don't have one." That's a good answer, don't you think? When I ask him, "What if it is a boy baby?" He says, "It's not; it's a girl."

Anyway, I have to save Brian for a whole other post :) Lots to do.

And some new pictures since I haven't posted any in ages! My awesome friend Tristine took these last week :)

I'm not sure what to do...

Okay, here is the problem -- and I'm sure there are some of you that won't see it as a problem -- Harrison likes to pretend play that he is playing with guns. Yes, I'm sure it is a typical boy thing but I have a BIG problem with it. I have problems with guns. I'm not okay with them. I freak out when I see one unless it is on a cop.

I do not like that Harrison pretends things are guns. We don't have toy guns. I refuse to have them in the house. We do not have any shooting games on the Wii. We play every Thursday at a friend's house and they have play guns. It is so hard for Harrison to say he isn't allowed to play with them but he does a pretty good job of not playing with them. I've told the mom that I don't let Harrison play with guns but she just shrugs it off as no big deal.

What I'm not sure is really just how to deal with this. Am I being crazy? I am overreacting? Should I let him pretend things are guns? He didn't REALLY get into it until we started going to playdates at our friend's house. And now he says things like "I'm going to kill you." "I'm going to shoot you." Hearing that come out of his mouth makes me want to cry. I know he doesn't KNOW what he is saying but still...

I've always been freaked out around guns. Yes, I have shot a gun before. It freaks me out. Most of my readers probably don't know I had a brother commit suicide in 2000 and he used a gun. That is where this stems from.

This is a DAILY battle. I'm sure he does it more because he knows I can't stand it. We have tried talking to him about it and telling him it makes mommy sad when he does it but he still does it.

Today he was pretend shooting Sterling and I LOST it. I don't believe in spanking. I have only spanked Harrison once before. Well, today I spanked him again -- battling violence with violence? Now that makes sense. I know I'm at my wit's end right now with this since I spanked him and that's NOT like me.

I am totally lost. I have no idea what to do. Help? If I'm just overreacting and I need to put my big girl panties on, tell me. I'm just totally lost and confused and it makes me sad.

The countdown is REALLY on!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! One month from today I'll be having the baby! In fact, EXACTLY a month from right now he/she should be being delivered! I can't wait!

I have two more photo shoots left. I am VERY uncomfortable and to that get-the-baby-out-of-me stage :) I have no idea how I'm going to do two more shoots, but I have to.

Can't wait!

On my soapbox...

Let me get this straight: We pay taxes. Our taxes go to government programs to help those in 'need'. If that's the case, then why are those in 'need' driving nicer cars than me and living in nicer homes than me and have nicer houses than me?

Dear, Government,

Please let ME decide where my donations to those in 'need' will go. Give me back that money I'm paying out of taxes and I will decide who deserves it because you obviously have total disregard for accountability to where this money is going. I work harder for my money than you do, Government, so I think I should decide where my hard-earned money goes.

Signed,

Frustrated and frugal me.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So this obviously stems from something. Brian and I have finally decided that we don't NEED iPhones. We sold the phones, got out of our contract with AT&T and got VERY basic free phones with our new phone company and that subsequently cut our bill in half. WOO HOO. Do I REALLY miss having the phone? Yes, I do. I miss having instant access to my email and the interent, but I have decided to put my big girl panties on and deal with it. And, yes, we have thought about getting rid of my phone altogether, but I am running a business with it so I can't and we also don't have a house phone.

I have been couponing like a crazy lady, as you know, over the last few months in an effort to save this family some money. I have also cut our grocery/toiletries bill in close to half.

I'm looking at our health insurance next because we KNOW McDs is ripping us off in that department. I just didn't KNOW it until recently and I'm not changing with a new baby here in a few weeks. So come the new year hopefully that will help too.

Okay, back to where this stems from. It has come to my attention that SEVERAL women I know down here and in other states are on government assistance, WIC specifically. I was SHOCKED to find out about some of them, not so shocked by others. Let me say this: if you NEED it then use it. Just because it is 'free' doesn't mean you NEED it. IT ISN'T FREE TO THE REST OF US PAYING TAXES SO YOU CAN FEED YOUR FAMILY. Brian and I totally qualify for WIC. I checked out the requirements...WAY too lax if you ask me. We don't make a ton of money BUT I can tell you where EVERY hard-earned penny goes. And the difference is I'm TRYING to cut back. I'm not taking an easy run because it is there to the govt and jumping on the WIC bandwagon.

Why is this okay? Why isn't this a problem for people? WHY? WHY? Why aren't we holding people accountable for their spending habits BEFORE they are approved for WIC and other govt programs? Should you have assets such as house(s) and car(s) and get govt help? Maybe you need to sell your car and get one that isn't as nice, your insurance will go down and your payments would be less and maybe you can afford food. Is your cell phone the newest? Maybe you could downgrade? Are you only using the govt to sock away extra money because you can? Well, I don't agree with that either. Learn to live within YOUR means, not the government's.

Sorry, I'm REALLY not trying to sound all high and mighty, but this really ticks me off. I guess my point is: people should be held ACCOUNTABLE for their spending habits before MY hard-earned money goes to help them buy food.

Once again, if you NEED it, I get that. I totally get that.

Dispute away...because I know you will!

Baby Countdown is on!

Ahhh...I saw the doctor today. All is well for baby. I guess I'm the talk of the office with my giant baby :) We have set the delivery date of December 7th! Can't wait! The official countdown is on. I have an appointment with the doctor in 2 weeks and then I go every week after that -- WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?????? CRAZY!

I am in big time nesting mode! Brian is nesting too and I think it's the cutest thing in the world :) He is funny!

That's it on the baby front!