2009 in review

Since I did a 2009 review on my other blog here: http://www.dbimagesblog.wordpress.com/ I thought I would do one for my personal one too.

2009 was quite a year for us as a family, we had many many ups and a few downs.

January - Sterling was cruising around furniture and got his 8th tooth! He was a big chubby baby still. Harrison was enjoying being a big brother and learning to sing lots of songs.

February - I was bombarded with photography work and trying to keep my head above water! We got to visit my sister and her family in Indiana and see my parents before they left for their mission in Toronto.

March - Sterling turned 1!!!! What a big boy! I also attendd a much-needed weekend of Time Out For Women and it was AWESOME!

April - We found out we were expecting Truman!

May - Harrison turned 3 and I turned 28! I did a kajillion weddings in May. Harrison was finally potty trained!

June - We drove to Memphis for Brian's sister's wedding. The kids did amazing!

July - I started couponing like a mad woman :)

August - Brian turned 29. Couponing continues!

September - I held a couponing class at my house...yes, I'm a nerd.

October - Harrison was a giraffe and Sterling was a zebra for Halloween :)

November - Our sweet little Truman was stillborn two weeks before I was scheduled for a C-section. This event was the one that stands out the most for 2009. We love and miss him. I am the mother of three boys, one happens to watch from Heaven.

December - We attended Truman's funeral in Indiana. I got to see almost all of my siblings and my parents there. It was a sad month for us. We spent Christmas just our little family and that was how we wanted it. We got to spend some time reflecting on our little Truman's life.

Overall 2009 was a great year for us. Heavenly Father blessed us wth another child. We are so lucky for that. Losing Truman will always be painful. I will always miss my sweet little boy. I am SO grateful, though, for the testimony that I have gained through this experience. Heavenly Father has not left my side for one minute and for that I am grateful. I also feel that throughout 2009 Brian and I have grown closer, even before Truman's passing. We are determined to be the best parents we can, because our children deserve that.

I am looking forward to an amazing 2010. I am going to rock this year like no year yet. I can't wait to enjoy this year and really be the person I know I can be. I'm excited to start pre-school homeschooling more with Harrison. I'm excited for Sterling to start talking more and learn more. I'm excited for Brian working hard at McDonalds and doing great things for them. I'm excited for my photography business to keep building. But most importantly, I'm excited to work on me as a person. I'm excited to become more of the woman I know I can be. I'm looking at 2010 as MY year.

Physical vs. Emotional

Tomorrow will be five weeks since we went to the hospital and found out our Truman was no longer alive. I can't believe it has been that long. It feels like it was last week.

I had the C-section almost five weeks ago. Physically I'm feeling pretty good. I can lift things without hurting, I can go about my day-to-day functions without any real problems. The only thing that hurts still is when I sneeze I can feel my incision pain again. I still look like I'm a few weeks pregnant still (first trimester) but that will go down within the next few weeks. Without a baby to nurse it is taking longer for my uterus to contract than normal for me. So physically you could say I'm almost back to normal.

Emotionally...I'm still on a rollercoaster. I still have good long cries...which I know are therapeutic. Not an hour goes by I don't think of the baby I should have in my arms. Not a night goes by I don't peek in the nursery to an empty crib. I don't know why I do that. I know there isn't a baby in there. I think it is just some time for me to think about my little Truman. I always peek in on Harrison & Sterling and kiss them goodnight while they sleep and then I open the nursery door and just think about Truman. I suppose I'm saying goodnight to him too. I have said this throughout the last five weeks that I am SO grateful Heavenly Father gave us Harrison and Sterling to help me through this. I don't know how women make it through this with their first baby. I would seriously be a crying mess on my bed for weeks on end if I didn't have these little guys to keep me going.

I'm just finding an interesting balance between my physical and emotional states right now. Don't get me wrong, I'm so glad it doesn't take as long physically to heal as it will take me emotionally to 'heal'. I just think it is interesting that I look like I should be carrying on 'normally' when inside I'm still torn up. If I looked physically like I felt emotionally, no one would expect me to be up and functioning. God made us this way for a reason. If I had to wait until I was emotionally ready to be functioning in 'normal' life I'm afraid what I knew as 'normal' life would not be normal to me anymore and then I'd be starting over.

Anyway...ramblings of a grieving mother.

Merry Christmas

We spent the morning opening presents with two very excited little boys. We then spent a while this afternoon at the beach just enjoying nature and trying out Harrison's new kite. I'm glad my boys were able to have a Merry Christmas and that my sadness for missing my other son didn't overshadow their special day.

I miss Truman. Today was REALLY hard. Harder than I imagined it would be but I made it through and I'm okay.

Merry Christmas...

...and I actually mean it. Honestly, a month ago I couldn't have fathomed saying Merry Christmas to anyone and meaning it. I just thought I'd say it, since that is what is required of us, and move on, internally thinking...whatever...Merry whatever. But I am glad to say that I honestly mean it. I really hope everyone does have a Merry Christmas. I know that despite all of what has happened, we will still have a Merry Christmas. I still have two little boys and a husband here that deserve a great Christmas. Truman will just join us as he watches from Heaven.

Don't get me wrong, this is not at all how I pictured Christmas this year. I pictured Christmas morning with our overly excited two boys going crazy over everything and opening presents with Daddy while mommy and baby just snuggled on the couch and took it all in. Now I will be getting in on the crazy present-opening action, still thinking of my little dude Truman.

Life is just not how I pictured it but we are adjusting. Day by day I'm getting back into 'normal' life.

I really ache to hold my baby but know it just isn't supposed to be right now.
I miss him but I know he is doing the Lord's work right now.
I want to see him again but I know that wouldn't do me any good. I'd rather remember him the way I do.
I love him and I will always be his Mother.

Please remember that we really are celebrating the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Also, take a moment to remember all of our loved ones that are celebrating his birth with Him in Heaven.

Merry Christmas from our family to yours.

A month...already?

I can not believe it has been a month. Wow. In the last month our lives changed forever and will never ever be the same. We miss our little Truman. It amazes me how one little boy that never took a breath in this world could change our world so much.

I am getting to a much better place in my grieving and I am back to what I would consider almost 'normal' as far as functioning day to day. I can go out in public without breaking down. I am doing a lot better physically. I see the doctor next week for my 6-week check-up.

I'm trying to make sure Christmas is merry for my boys, and that is helping take my mind off of things a bit. Not an hour goes by I don't think of Truman but I have gone a day without crying. For Christmas Brian got me a mother's ring with my three boys' birthstones. He also got me a necklace with their birthstones. I LOVE them. I am so grateful for the ring and the necklace, they are beautiful reminders of all three of my gorgeous boys.

Well, that's where I am now. It's hard but day by day I'm doing better.

Daddy's turn

Hi blogging world. Most of you don't know me, but you know about me because of Devynn. That's kind of the way our relationship works. She's the social butterfly that is always making new friends. I'm the working husband that gets drug into relationships and I have to get along with the husband whether I want to or not, lol. Luckily, I can't recall a person Devynn has befriended that I don't get along with the husband. I'm a pretty easy-going guy.
This isn't about me, though. I want to tell you all what a wonderful woman Devynn is and how she has changed my life. Just over 9 years ago, she had the chance of a lifetime to study abroad in Jerusalem for her first semester of college. She would have spent the whole summer of 1999 in Israel touring around and fulfilling a dream she had. Or, she could have signed up with a small outdoor pageant that our church produced every summer in a little town in western Illinois called Nauvoo. As chance would have it, she chose the latter, and gave up a dream of studying in Jerusalem. Little did she know that she would meet a dashing young man that, although somewhat immature and carefree, would steal her heart away from her then-fiancee. I was scheduled to leave the country for 2 years to go to Armenia and serve a mission for our church in September, so the last thing on my mind was a girl.
The pageant was all of 2 weeks long, and we met a few days into production, so we had just under 2 weeks to get to know each other. Needless to say, we both felt some sort of connection then. She knew what a wonderful person I was and how handsome I was. I just knew she was a cute girl, and by far the cutest that had ever even given me the time of day, much less wanted to spend time with me. We joked how random it was that we even met, and how it would be funny if when I got home from my mission we hooked back up and got married.
Joke's on us now! I returned home from Armenia on August 22, 2001. She booked a plane ticket to come see me and was there for the Labor Day holiday (what a stalker!!). She was scheduled to go home on September 12, which, of course was the day after the infamous 9/11 strike.
To make a long story short, we were married in the Nauvoo temple (which had just been announced to be rebuilt when we met in 1999) in July 2002, were the first couple to be married in the newly completed temple, and have lived happily ever after since. The end.

Ahhh, but it's not the end. There's more to the story. Let me tell you about the woman I married. As I have said, I was pretty immature when we met, and still immature when we got married. However, that didn't deter Devynn from taking a chance on me. I think maybe she saw dollar signs when I told her I wanted to be a doctor, lol. As you know, I now work for McDonald's, so that didn't quite work out. But, I am on the road to owning my own some day, so maybe it's for the better. I wouldn't be the person I am today without the wonderful woman I have walking by my side. Or should I say pushing me from behind. I am stubborn and sometimes lack the motivation to do what I need to do. Devynn doesn't let me fail. She stands behind me every step of the way, helps me to become better, and lets me know how I'm doing. She encourages me and pushes me to test my limits. When I feel like I can't do it anymore, she reminds me that I am doing it for her and for our children. When I need a spiritual shot in the arm. She is my strength and rock. She is my fountain for guidance and spirituality. Without her, I am nothing.
Having gone through the loss of our little Truman, my heart has been ripped out of my chest. We both have lost brothers in the past, so we know what loss is. However, nothing can prepare you for the loss of a child. How blessed I am to have a wife that believes the same things I do, no, that KNOWS the same things I KNOW. I have watched her during this ordeal, and been amazed and astounded at the strength and resilience this woman has. I know she hates hearing how strong a person she is, but it is true. Through this experience, we both feel strongly we will be able to help someone else with something. We don't know what, but it is preparing us for something.
We will keep having children. We will keep loving them. We will keep loving each other. And I will continue to worship the ground this saint-of-a-wife of mine walks on. I love her so much. I am not sure she knows how much I absolutely adore her and admire her; how much I look up to her. I wish I could be the person she knows I can be. I try every day, but feel like I fail to live up to the type of person that deserves such a wonderful woman. But, thankfully, she sticks with me and continues to shape and mold me. Eventually, through her efforts, I will become someone deserving of such a beautiful angel. Until then, I'll just keep loving and plugging away.
Brian

Where I am at right now...

Well, it was about 3.5 weeks ago that ours lives changed forever. That doesn't seem like that much time at all yet seems like it was an eternity ago. In the last 3.5 weeks I have had the opportunity to read some fabulous books on mourning the loss of children. I have learned a lot through those books and through what I myself am going through.

I drove by the hospital where this happened today. I burst into tears. I had had a pretty good day until then. When I walked into that hospital on November 22nd I wouldn't have thought in a million years I would have left with my life changed the way it was. Our lives have changed forever, both for the good and bad but mostly the good. I think the normal, human, selfish side of me is what thinks it was bad. We still have another son. I am the mother to three boys. I just don't get one right here right now.

My arms are literally aching to hold him. I woke up last night just wanting to hold Truman. Honestly, even though it isn't a replacement for Truman, I am grateful I have little ones at home that love to be held by their mommy. I love snuggling Harrison and Sterling as I feel it somewhat fills that void of having a newborn in my arms. Every night when I check on the boys just before I go to bed I instinctively check in the nursery. I open the door out of habit and see that empty crib. I don't do this to torture myself. I just do this as if I'm saying goodnight to my little one in Heaven. Maybe that sounds weird. I guess it's part of the way I'm coping right now. We have set up my sewing/craft stuff in the nursery right now. The crib is still up and will stay up until there is another little one to go in it. For now it has Truman's blankets in it. After all, it is his crib right now.

I have always wanted a lot of children. I always pictured my house being a place of non-stop energy with little ones running under foot and a baby attached at my hip. That is the life I want. That vision has changed now. Now I am just grateful for what I have. I don't think much of what the future holds for our family as far as how many children we will have, now I think more of how wonderful my two boys here are and how I can't wait to see them grow. Part of me wants to be pregnant again soon...but a bigger part of me is absolutely terrified at the thought of being pregnant again. I can't do this again. I just can't. I am broken.

Okay, so this was another disjointed post, but that is my life right now. Again, writing is therapeutic for me and I guess this is my version of therapy for now.

Thank you again to everyone for your emails, phone calls, texts, cards and Facebook comments. I honestly don't know how I could go through this without knowing how loved we are.

My testimony is stronger than ever.

For those not of the LDS (Mormon) faith, you may not agree with everything I'm saying in this post, but this is what I believe and know to be true. If you ever have any questions about my religion and what I know and believe, please don't hesitate to ask.

I never doubted that the Plan of Salvation was real. I believe it and always have. After losing Truman, I feel like I have exerienced a part of it that made it more real for me.

For those not LDS that are reading this, the Plan of Salvation is what we call pre-Earth life where we lived with Heavenly Father and Jesus, then we have Earth life, and then after we die we continue to live with others that have passed on. Here is a bit more info on it: here

I have no doubt that my little Truman is living with our Father in Heaven and Jesus right now. Truman was perfect. Even though he never took a breath outside of me, I know he got his little spirit and all God needed was for him to have a body and he did that, just not in the typical way we think of it. I was just a portal for God to work through. I know one day I will get to raise Truman. He will again be with us but now it is our job to live worthy of him. I know he is looking down on us and he is sad that we have to go through this. I know God has plans for him and that he was one of God's chosen children. He is perfect. He was blessed to not have to live in this awful sinful world. As badly as I want to hold Truman, I know this is God's plan and he has the whole picture, all I see is my life right this minute.

My testimony is stronger now than it ever has been. I don't feel that God hates me or that I'm paying for a past sin or anything like that. I see this as God's way of saying, You are a chosen daughter of mine. I know this is hard for you. I am helping you through this and I will not turn my back on you. Truman is in my care and he and I will be waiting with open arms for the day you return to us.

Don't get me wrong, this is still really hard. Do I want more than anything to hold my little Truman again? Do I wish I could have heard his little newborn cry? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. I will forever feel that there is a missing child in our lives but I know that one day we will all be together. Is this the hardest thing I've ever had to go through? Yes. Do I wish I could learn whatever lesson it is I have to learn from this trial some other way and still have the opportunity to raise my little Truman? Yes, more than anything.

One thing that Brian and I have said over and over to each other from the minute we found out we lost our little Truman is "Thank goodness for the Gospel." How would we get through this if we didn't KNOW we would once again see our little Truman? I don't know. I don't know how people make it through this without knowing what we do. And please note what I'm saying, I KNOW, not just believe. I KNOW with ever fiber of my being that I will see my son again and he will be mine forever.

How do I know this? I could tell you to go and read scripture. I could tell you to research it. The most important thing I can tell you to do is to get on your knees and talk to your Father in Heaven. He will tell you what you need to know. He has confirmed to me over the last three weeks what I know. I have spent more time in prayer in the last three weeks that I have in a long time.

One thing Brian said to me the day we found out Truman was gone was "Thank goodness we are sealed in the temple." Thank goodness. I don't just get my family "until death do us part" I get mine "for time and all eternity." Brian and I were sealed in the Nauvoo Temple seven and a half years ago. If you had told me seven and a half years ago we would have just buried our son, I wouldn't have believed you. I am amazed at how quickly life can change. I am still in shock that this has happened to us but I am grateful for the knowledge that all of our children will be ours forever. I can't imagine doing all of the hard work here on Earth that is required for families...only to find out after I pass through to the next life that all of that hard work didn't result in my family being with me forever. Don't worry, we believe people that didn't get the chance here on Earth will have the chance in the next life to be with their families forever.

Thank goodness I know that this is only for a brief time in my life. I am grateful that God made us as humans with the ability to grieve but eventually be able to move through life again. I'm in the early stages of grief. I'm still in shock and I'm staying away from people. I'm not ready to face the real world. What I am ready to do is to strengthen myself spiritually which I have had the opportunity to do and will continue to have that opportunity.

God will never give me more than I can handle. I have to remember that, especially now, as I feel my heart is literally going to break. I know he isn't doing this to punish me. I know this is for my good. Some how, some way, one day I will know why -- until that day I will enjoy the family I have and miss my little boy I don't get to raise here on Earth.

I am thankful for the knowledge God has given me. I know these things to be true.

Piece by piece

Just over three weeks ago my life shattered into hundreds of pieces. The only pieces I've been able to pick up are mine, Brian's, Harrison's and Sterling's. The rest of the pieces I see as family and friends. I can't deal with those yet because my world has been rocked. I know it hurts some people when I don't respond to texts or phone calls or emails and I feel like I need to explain why.

From the several books I've read since this happened, I have learned that the first stage of grief is shock and isolation. I wouldn't say I'm over the shock at all, but it is becoming more real. I'm definitely in isolation. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't even answer texts. I don't care about anyone else right now except those four pieces of my life I've been able to pick up.

This not caring about anyone but my family goes totally against my nature. As people complain about their own life problems to me, honestly what goes through my head is "When should I tell them I don't care since my son just died?" I know that sounds awful and is SO not like me. It is SO against what I feel for people. I am a caring person but right now the only people I have energy to care for are my family. Caring for my family takes what little energy I have. I do love hearing about the good things that happen to people. I love those updates. I just have zero sympathy for anyone's problems right now.

Recovering from a C-section in the midst of all of this isn't easy either. Physically I'm doing a lot better but every once in a while I do something forgetting I had major surgery three weeks ago and I'm hurting again. Also, physically I do not want to go out in public because I still look three or four months pregnant. The LAST thing I need is someone asking me if I'm pregnant. I wear sweaters or layers and baggy shirts to hide it when I do go out. We live in Florida...layers? Not exactly comfortable. My milk is still coming in...do you know how hard that is emotionally to know I don't have a baby to nurse? My body is doing what it is supposed to now...but no baby to feed. It is a constant reminder right now of losing my baby.

I am not sleeping all that well either since I'm not really taking the drugs anymore. I woke up in the middle of the night last night and almost got up to go to the nursery thinking...it had been a long time since I heard the baby cry...shouldn't he be hungry by now? My rational self kept me in bed reminding me that there was no baby in the nursery to go and snuggle and feed. My irrational self wanted to run into the nursery and maybe...just maybe there would be my little Truman fast asleep in there.

I honestly hope this never happens to anyone else I know. I could never picture my life without Harrison or Sterling and now I have to live my life without one of my children. Just for a minute...put yourself in my shoes...imagine if you had never got to meet one of your children...but you knew they were yours. They were taken away before you ever heard their newborn cry. I promise you that imagining it isn't even close to what I'm feeling, but I hope it helps you understand a bit of what I'm going through. My heart is broken.

My world is a mess right now. I am a mess. I feel awful by not answering to people who are just reaching out to let me know they care. Please don't stop reaching out to me. Please understand right now I don't have the energy to respond. I just don't. I still love you all but right now my world has stopped but the rest of the world hasn't. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute is how I live. Going most of the day without breaking down into unstoppable tears is a good day for me.

*This wasn't intended to be aimed at anyone in particular. I get several texts, emails and phone calls every day that go unanswered by several people.*

If only...

...life were as easy as my 3-year-old thinks it is.

Our conversation today:

"Mommy, are you sad about Baby Truman?"

"Yes, baby, mommy is having a sad day."

"Here, Mommy, you can have my Batman cape to help you stop crying. My cape will fix everything."

Oh, if only his little cape could fix everything...

What sweet little boys I have, all three of them.

They...

They say "He's in a better place."
They are right...but I wanted to just see him alive for a moment.

They say "You will have more children."
They are right...but more children will never replace him.

They say "How are you doing?"
They don't want the true answer to that.

They say "Time heals all wounds."
They are wrong. Nothing will ever heal this. Time will help me work through this but never heal it.

They say "I know how you feel."
They weren't two weeks away from delivery with the hospital bag packed.

They say "At least you have your other children."
They don't know how much I loved him too.

They say "What can I do for you?"
They don't know how much a simple meal or card can help.

They say "God has plans for him."
They don't know what plans I had for him.

They just don't know...

No one knew...

No one knew as I left the hospital two weeks ago I should have been leaving with a baby in my arms.
No one knew as I shopped on Thanksgiving day I was looking for warm clothes for my boys to go to their brother's funeral.
No one knew as we held a sign at the airport for my parents that said "Welcome Home Grandma & Grandpa Mission-buddies" that I wanted it to say "Thank you for coming to be with us as our son has just died and I don't know if I can do this without you."
No one knew as we were in the airport boarding our plane to Indiana we were going to bury our baby boy.
No one knew that when the plane landed my C-section incision hurt me.
No one knew as my two brothers and my sister boarded a plane in Canada it was to go to their nephew's funeral...they never even got to meet him.
No one knew that as we caravaned throughout the Indiana roads that we were all headed to a baby's funeral.
No one knew on the flight home today that I was crying because I had just buried my baby.

No one knew.

Kind of gives you a different perspective on people, doesn't it? You just never know what other people are going through...

We buried our son...

...and it was harder than I imagined. Not that I had ever imagined this.

It was a cool crisp early winter day. There was a clear blue sky. The funeral home had offered us a tent for us to stand/sit under during the service. We were so grateful for that. The wind had a chill in it and the tent was welcomed. They tent was also heated. So into the tent we walked. Solemly one by one we entered. There was his little white casket. Smaller than I thought it would be, but how big did it need to be, he was just a tiny baby. It had a heart on the top that said "Loved and cherished." He is loved and cherished, my baby boy.

I sat down in the middle seat in front of my baby boy's casket. I cried. I cried more. People filed in by us one by one and hugged us and gave us their condolences. Many tears were shed. Many hugs given. All for a little boy that none of us ever got to feel hug us back. All for a little boy that would never shed a tear in this world. All for my baby boy, Truman.

We started with a prayer given by Brian's brother Cameron, Truman's uncle. It was a nice prayer and set the tone of the service. Then Brian's sister Janet gave a thought on the Plan of Salvation. We know we will see our baby boy again. It was beautiful. My nieces Justine and Reagan, Truman's cousins, sang "Families Can Be Together Forever."

"I have a family here on earth. They are so good to me.
I want to share my life with them through all eternity.
Families can be together forever, though Heavenly Father's plan.
I always want to be with my own family, And the Lord has shown me how I can.
The Lord has shown me how I can."

Then Brian read a letter he wrote to Truman. I don't know how he did it, because I couldn't have done it. It was beautiful and I think really spoke to how amazing of a Father Brian is.
Following Brian's letter my brother Patrick dedicated the grave. We believe this is like a blessing over the grave and it is important to us to do. My nephew Eric then played "Amazing Grace" on the bagpipes.

It was a simple service. After everyone had left, Brian and I had some moments alone with Truman. Time stood still. Outside the tent I could hear my little Sterling crying for daddy. It was tearing my heart apart to leave my little Truman who I would never hear cry for his daddy or to go and run to my little Sterling who wanted us because he just wasn't sure what was going on. Neither of us wanted to leave but had two little boys that remind us every day of why we live.

So we headed outside the tent and we had two white balloons for the boys to let go up to baby Truman. They each let their balloon go...up we watched them go until we couldn't see them anymore. This will be our annual tradition to help us remember our little Truman.

I pray every day that I will have the strength to get through this for there are times I feel my heart will literally break. Burying my son was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

This sucks.

My sister and I decided that that is our family motto for what is going on right now. This sucks. When one of my brothers heard about our loss he just said "Well, that sucks." And it does. I'm a wreck tonight.

I've actually done pretty good since my parents got here. I even braved the nursery today with my mom. It was hard to go in there and see all of the diapers and wipes all ready organized. The crib will be empty for a long while now.

But tonight was really hard. We got the boys packed and ready to fly tomorrow. But when it came to packing my suitcase...I just wanted to throw up at the thought. I just don't know how I'm going to make it to Indiana. Brian and I talked about it tonight and I just kept saying, I don't want to go. I can't do this. I'm not strong enough. Why am I going to my son's funeral? This isn't fair. I shouldn't have to bury my son. I just wish I could have held him longer.

This is so weird to me. I'm very confused right now I guess. Originally we were supposed to be picking up my mother-in-law from the airport tomorrow to come and help us when the baby arrived (which was supposed to be on Monday). But now I'm flying out to Indiana so we can bury Truman? What? Writing helps me get out my thoughts and emotions but I'm so messed up inside right now I don't know that this will help.

I'm so glad my family will be around me to help me through this. I need them more than any of us know right now. Part of me wishes it was 10 years from now and I was looking back on this memory...but I know I need to work through this and grieve. I don't want to but I know I need to.

I hate that I'm smart enough to listen to my rational self because there are days that I would rather just stay in bed all day and cry and not get out of bed. I am grateful I have the two most gorgeous boys in the world that keep me from doing that. Part of me just wants to be depressed. Don't get me wrong, I'm really sad. I'm beyond sad. But I know I can't just sit and mope around all day. I cry when I need to cry. I sob when I need to sob. But I let myself laugh when I can and play when I can with the boys. It's hard to find a balance...I haven't found the balance yet but I will.

My parents are here and I am SO grateful that they are. I don't know what I would do without them, especially during this.

Anyway, totally confusing blog post. Welcome to my life.

We fly out in the morning to Indiana. I'm still in a lot of pain physically, but I'm doing so much better. Flying so soon after a C-section probably isn't the best idea, but we had to do what we had to do and I have the doctor's clearance to fly. I also need the funeral to happen so I can continue and work through the grieving process...but I really don't want to.

This sucks.