Mixed Emotions

This blog was supposed to be the exciting announcement of a new baby. Sadly, though, that is not the case.

We found out 4-5 weeks ago we were expecting again. Unbelievably excited and terrified at the same time. We called all of my family and our close friends to tell them the good news. We waited to tell Brian's family in person since we knew we would be seeing them in only a few weeks. We were so excited. Surprised we got pregnant again so fast but thrilled.

On the 7-month annivesary of Truman's birth I had my first ultrasound to see the baby. I was excited and couldn't wait to see the little one. I knew as soon as the ultrasound tech started that something was wrong. She just told me that the dr would talk to me. Yeah, I've seen that face before. So I knew, just KNEW it wasn't okay. The dr informed me that it was rare, but the ultrasound tech could only see a sac, no fetus. There is no signs that there ever was a fetus. My body has thought it was pregnant for 10 weeks now. I look pregnant. I took two home pregnancy tests that both came back positive. The blood test at the doctor's office also came back positive. My body thinks it is pregnant. Sadly, though, it isn't. I will go back on Thursday for another ultrasound to make sure there isn't a baby and then they will schedule a d&c. Obviously we are super sad about the news. We were excited at the chance to be parents again.

As soon as I got home from the dr's after I found out, Brian took the day off to be with me and the kids. I'm so grateful that he just knows what I need. I took a bath as soon as I got home and picked up the General Conference edition of the Ensign. In there I found this talk about Elder Uchtdorf http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=fe0fde009da38210VgnVCM100000176f620a____&vgnextoid=f318118dd536c010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD

And the line that stood out to me was: "Patience means accepting that which cannot be changed and facing it with courage, grace and faith." Nothing more perfect could have been said to me at that time. I can't change God's plan. If I could I'd have my little boy Truman in my arms. I don't get to say what happens in this life. All I can do is live so I am worthy of living with my little Truman in the life hereafter and the rest of my family.

Courage? Courage? I am not a courageous woman. I have always wondered what exactly that means. I'm someone that is terrified to talk about my religion to others. I just don't have courage like that. But maybe it means something else. Maybe I'll find out one day.

Grace. Through the trials of my life and just growing up I think I have learned what it means to face trials with grace. Or at least I'm working on it. I can't be mad at the Lord. He has given me SO much. I gracefully submit to His will. Yes, I'm sad. I want more than anything to have more babies. I want my baby in heaven to live here with me. BUT it isn't my choice; it's His. I am SO blessed to have my gorgeous boys here. They are smart, happy and healthy. They love us as parents and we love them more than words can describe. I am so blessed in my life I really have no place to complain.

Faith. I will admit I have a lot of faith. If I didn't have faith I would be a bitter woman. I would hate God. I wouldn't believe in God. I would hate the world right now and feel like life just isn't fair. My son was taken from me before I could say hello to him and hear him coo...I have every right in this world to be bitter and not believe. Some people may see it as that. I see my trials as faith-building exercises. For some reason Heavenly Father as seen it fit that I get a lot of these trials right now. Of course part of me, the day we found out about this loss, wanted to scream, "REALLY, GOD? REALLY?????" How much can I take? I hate to even ask that because I don't want to know the answer. I have faith, though, that he is building me up and strengthening my faith. He is building and molding me into the woman he knows I can be. Right now I am just a mother trying to raise her young family in the Gospel. Heavenly Father is guiding my family in the direction he needs us to be. I have to trust in Him for He has given me so much.

I am often told I'm an inspiration to others. I'm not sure why. Everyone is strong in their own right. I look up to so many women in my life and I feel like I'm just barely keeping my head above the water. I don't know how they do it.

I am SO blessed to have an amazing husband. He is my rock. We are best friends and we are still madly in love with each other. It is because of him I'm able to stay strong in the gospel.

Anyway, I had hoped this blog post would be a happy one with announcement of a new baby and a little baby ticker on the side bar. That isn't the case. It is another faith building exercise for me. Thank you to everyone who has helped me and continues to help me along this journey. I love you all.