I haven't neglected blogging on purpose. I just couldn't decide the right things to say around Truman's 1st birthday. I have started and stopped and saved several drafts that just weren't the right words.
Just over a year ago my baby boy died. I'm still sad about it. I still cry about losing him. He's my baby. A member of my family is gone. He's not gone forever, but he's gone for now. It is sometimes hard to think of the eternal perspective of things. I often see friends and family with little ones around his age and think...am I not a good enough mother? God didn't see me fit to raise another one of his children? I try not to let these thoughts consume me, because they could. And sometimes do. I try to remember that God loves me and my family so much that he blessed us for as long as he possibly could with little Truman here on Earth. He needed him. I want him.
This last year has taught me so many life lessons I'm sure takes most people years and years to learn. I have learned:
The Lord loves me and Knows me.
He does not let us walk alone and he NEVER leaves us.
He wants us to be happy but His plan reigns over our wants.
He will comfort us and be there at any time of the day.
That my faith in God and Jesus Christ are what get me through the days.
Oh, I have learned so much more than that. Some of it very private. I am so grateful for my amazing husband and children. Brian didn't bond with Truman like I did since he didn't ever feel Truman moving or kicking like I did. He is still emotional over it but not as much as I am. He has stood by me and hugged me and laughed with me during my crazy moments and just been the most amazing husband a woman could ask for. I've never once heard him say "Get over it. It's been a year." "Seriously, you're crying over him again?" "Dev, there's no point in crying. That won't bring him back." All I've heard is how much he loves me and how much he wants me to be happy. He is the best husband for me.
In this last year we got to go to Truman's grave. I wasn't sure how emotional that would really be since I know his spirit is in Heaven. Oh, it was plenty emotional. It just brought back a flood of emotions from losing him. We also recently passed the year mark of Truman's funeral, December 6th. There are just certain dates that will never be the same for me.
I have grown to be a stronger woman than ever. When Truman died, repeatedly I heard or read the phrase "You are a strong woman; you'll get through this." I HATED that phrase. I didn't want to be strong. I didn't want to get through this. I wanted to cry like a baby. I did.
I am strong. When life trials hit our family now we say "We've been through worse. We can make it through this." And we have. And we will. My patriarchal blessing has phrases in it and tells me things I didn't fully understand until this happened. I am a blessed woman. I am a strong woman. God has given me these trials but he has also given me the people in my life to help me through them. He knows me better than anyone.
When we found out we lost Truman, one of the first things we did was pray. I remember once they had moved us to our private room at the back of the floor and we were alone. Brian prayed. I don't think either of us remember much of the words that were said but we prayed. We knew we needed the Lord's help then more than ever. It was in His hands. We needed to keep our line of communication open and clear with Him. There is a song by one of my favorite LDS musicians, Wayne Burton, called Thankfully and it's on his newest CD. The song talks about people in different life situations and that when hard times hit they prayed and were they fools for praying or did they know something?
I am not a fool. I know. He lives. He is real.
Yes, it's a preachy blog post today. I haven't blogged in a long time. This year has been MY year for me and to become the best ME I can. I am a strong person emotionally, spritually and physically I'm doing better too.
2011? I'll let you know in a year how it goes :)
