Since the day we lost Truman, of course I've been more hypersensitive to all things baby/child related. It has been a long 16 months. Next week Truman would have been 16 months old.
Everything I'm going to say is coming from a mother that is still grieving. It is not directed at any one person, I promise. I have felt these things over the last 16 months and feel the need to vocalize them. Most of this happens on Facebook. Women make comments that I totally made too when I was expecting or a new mom. I promise you could look back and find the exact same things said when I was expecting Truman, but my perspective now...is a lot different.
I have a hard time getting excited when people announce they are expecting. I honest to goodness don't care. Well, I should say very rarely do I care. There are a few people, clients included, that have announced they are pregnant in the last little while, and I am genuinely excited for them and I've share that with them. But overall, the number of my friends on Facebook that are pregnant just reminds me that I'm not. Yes, selfish, I know. But that's how I feel. I'll send the obligatory congratulations gift 'cause that's what I'm supposed to do...but it's robotic. I know it's terrible. I know it is. But honestly, when someone announces they are pregnant I just think "must be nice...wish I was." I sure hope these feelings change when we have another baby because having a baby is the single-most life-changing experience of your life and I really do want everyone that wants to experience it, to experience it. I'm just not in an emotional state right now to be too excited for other people.
When I was expecting the boys I wouldn't have thought twice about posting on Facebook that I was tired, my body ached, I was sick, I was done being pregnant, etc. But I wouldn't have imagined how many women out there would have done ANYTHING to be tired, have an aching body, be sick, etc., just to be pregnant. So when I read Facebook status updates about women wanting to just get this pregnancy thing over with I just want to say -- "STOP. As hard as this can be on your body...you need to enjoy this. I would do anything to be 39 weeks pregnant and big as a house right now." I'm sure I complained the days and weeks leading up to losing Truman, but looking back...I wish I could have cherished those times more. And I'm not saying that women need to cherish this time in their lives because they may lose their babies...in no way am I saying that. What I am saying is this is the single-most life-changing experience...you need to try and enjoy it. Perspective, when you're in the thick of a challenge, is hard to change. I know that. Anyway, reading status updates about the pains and aches and troubles of pregnancy...there are lots of women out there that would do anything to be going through those troubles.
I LOVED my middle-of-the-night feedings with my boys. It was quiet. It was just us. I sang, they ate. I knew those times wouldn't last forever and I really did love them. Sleep deprived as I was...I loved that time. Hearing women complain about having to get up in the night to nurse/feed their babies...makes me want to say "Call me. I'll come over and feed them. I'd do anything to hear newborn cries in the middle of the night."
Anyway, yes, this is a very self-centered post. So, if you ask me how I am...I'll tell you I'm doing good, but this is how I feel inside. I struggle right now with being fine with having our three boys and trying to convince myself that if we had no more children, I'd be okay with it, but I'm not. I want more kids. I wish I was pregnant right now.
Anyway...I suspect if I get to have any more children, my pregnancy-related posts will be different than they were last time.
What I wouldn't do to be pregnant again...
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