Mommy Is Crazy

Countdown is ON!

2011-12-04T21:54:00.003-05:00

I am delivering three weeks from Tuesday. Oh.my.gosh. I can't wait. I'm so glad I quit working when I did because I've been able to enjoy the last few weeks not being overly stressed about getting work caught up. I'm caught up!

The boys are getting VERY excited for the baby too. Every single prayer that they say blesses mommy and the baby :) They vote it's a girl. I think it's a girl...but I thought the three boys were girls, so I really get no vote. Funny story, though: in my ultrasound two weeks ago the u/s tech wasn't talkative at ALL and about half-way through starts a sentence with "Well, she's..." and then she trailed off and didn't say anything else until the end of the ultrasound. I REALLY wanted to ask her if she meant to say girl but I'm trying to be good! It's hard when you see the baby every week to not find out what you're having. I LOVE my new obgyn. He is amazing. He's been great and we just mesh really well. He's agreed to let me deliver before 39 weeks, which makes me happy. The official delivery date is December 27th. I can't wait. I've started picking up a few things here and there for the baby but since the baby doesn't have his/her own room, since we are living with my parents, we just don't need as much stuff. I'm very thankful to family and friends who have loaned us things so we don't have to buy new for the baby.

Starting over is not really fun, especially when you have a new baby about to arrive, but we are making it through. Brian is enjoying Costco still. He'd like to move up to management asap but Costco is all about hierarchy unless we moved to a Costco that was just opening. So we are looking into options. Brian did apply for the police force and he passed the written test with flying colours. Unfortunately, because of the short sale of our house in Florida, they are asking him to wait until next September to apply again. It is ridiculous if you ask me. I'm not happy about it at all. I'm trying to focus on enjoying family, life and a new baby and not how much that sucks.

Harrison LOVES kindergarten and came home with his first report card, which was perfect :) I loved all of the comments his teacher made about him. Things like:

"He has a positive attitude and enjoys the activities of the class always putting forth a very good effort."

"He is also very aware of his own uniqueness as a person and his particular strengths and talents."

"Harrison enjoys the activities in Art using his time very well to add the extra details to his assignments. He also enjoys participating in the musical activities of the class and does so with some enthusiasm."

Love those! During parent/teacher interviews his teacher did let us know that he sometimes has a hard time finishing his assignments on time in class because he is a perfectionist and sometimes doesn't start his assignments right away because he is thinking them through thoroughly. That is so much my Harrison. Hopefully that will change, though, and he'll be able to be more confident that he knows what to do a little quicker. He is excited to go to school and on Thursdays (they only go Monday-Thursday) the FIRST thing he does is his homework. Loves making sure it is all done right away. I'm grateful he enjoys school so much.

Sterling is doing great with preschool and isn't near as clingy as he was when we would drop him off. His teacher says he is doing really well. He's still not Mr. Social, like his brother is, but I doubt that will ever be a characteristic of Sterling. He's very shy and likes to do things on his own. He doesn't mind playing alone. His speech has improved leaps and bounds since he started speech therapy. He has a ton more confidence and is much easier to understand. He seems to have mastered the 'S' and 'L' sounds. He is still struggling with the 'R' sound but we just started that one. He picked up the 'L' sounds all on his own and was SO very proud of himself when he did :)

I really don't know why I don't blog more. I have lots I could/should write and then I never do. Tsk tsk. I never know if I have any followers left any way - lol.

Next blog post will be more about baby.

Moving Home -- ahhh :)

2011-09-11T19:37:00.003-04:00

Best thing we have ever done for our little family. I love being home. My parents have been off galavanting since we got here but good for them! They can, so why not?

The BOYS love it here. Sterling loved his first day of preschool. He cracked up the teachers. Love it. I still need to post pics of Sterling's first day of preschool. I have SO many other photo things I need to do too! Must blog more.

Harrison is doing well in Kindergarten. He brought home his first 'homework' on Friday and had it finished in about 10 seconds flat. I'm kind of hoping it was just a test to see where kids are in relation to each other. It was something Harrison could have done a year ago. Eh ... I guess if he gets to breeze through Kindergarten that wouldn't be too bad either. :) He loves it and his school is AWESOME.

It's great being here and being able to see my siblings and their families a lot too. I love when they just pop in to say hi to my parents or us. It's great.

I was able to go up to Calgary yesterday and be a photo expert in a seminar. The program speaker was awesome and it was a basic photography course. There were 300 attendees and only 4 photo experts and only 3 of us for most of the time, so we really got a workout going up and down the stairs of the theater :) I really enjoyed myself. It was a great group to work with.

I've photography my brother's dental office, my sister's jewelry, a 1-year-old smash-the-cake session, a newborn and a wedding since I got here. Not too bad :)

I just launched a new family/kids website and new pricing for Southern Alberta. Not sure how that will go over. New website

I'll launch my wedding site entirely separately from that one as the sites pertain to two different markets.

I'm still in an interesting spot pricing-wise for portraits. The other pros in the industry say Do not give the CD with the session, keep your Florida rates. Yeah, no. And then the feel I'm getting from the market is I'm going to have a hard time getting the $350. We'll see how the rest of this year goes. I'm really hoping to open a full-blown studio next year early fall but just not sure how that would happen right now.

Brian is enjoying Costco a lot. We love his hours. He's working 2 p.m. - 11 p.m. Wed-Sunday right now. He's around to help get the kids ready and to school and I just like having him around :)

On the baby front, I'm still working on getting a high-risk doctor in Calgary. My experience here with the doctor in Lethbridge was not a positive one. The baby is a kicker and a mover and I love it :) There is NOTHING better in this world than feeling a baby move inside of me :)

Photographers in Southern Alberta

2011-08-26T22:52:00.003-04:00

Okay, so I should clarify some things from the last post. I thought I was clear, but my point is that there are photographers that we know out there that suck. There are some that don't suck that much and really only aren't amazing because they are new in to the biz. The photographers that are decent for beginners shouldn't be charging much for their services. It isn't right. BUT they should charge. I learned LONG ago in this industry that people don't appreciate free stuff. You should charge SOMETHING for your services. With every few clients when you start to shoot more you should charge more and then be putting that money in to better gear.

And then, there are the photographers here that are REALLLLLLY good. Like, really good. Like, holy-crap-Devynn-feels-like-she-sucks good. And they are not charging enough. That's my biggest beef! I'm not against people starting out in the biz. I say go for it! People that want to spend $50 on a photo shoot are not my clients. But when you are REALLLY good and you are in fact awesome...why charge so little? That's my question.

So Southern Albertans are notoriously frugal, I get that. I grew up in that. I know that. BUT giving away everything isn't worth it. To try and make a little extra money on the side to help out your family is AWESOME -- hello, that's ME. But when you don't charge enough for your services and you are taking time away from your family, are you really doing anyone a service?

I just spent the last 20 minutes doing a break down of the cost of running a business and not charging enough but my brain was fried. I guess the real key here is, why aren't people charging enough. Marie brought a good point up in the comments of the last post. She said that these photographers not charging enough and giving the CD away are filling in a spot for families that can't afford great photography. There are ALWAYS going to be people ready to shoot for $50/session and give the CD away and they, in reality, should ALWAYS be newbies trying to build a portfolio.

Why aren't photographers here charging more and why, oh, why are they including the CD? Because their clients want it? That's fine...but they should have to pay for it. They aren't ripping anyone off if their photography is good. And I'm really only talking about the good photographers now. Have they ever run a Cost of Doing Business Calculator? This is my personal favorite. http://www.nppa.org/professional_development/business_practices/cdb/cdbcalc.cfm

Back in the film days real pro photographers didn't give away the negatives! Why, Oh, why, does it have to be different? I know, I know, the ease of technology. I get that, but the ART of photography is the same. I want to make art for my clients to hang on their walls. Do I just need to accept that my job ends when I hand over a CD of the images and just pray and hope they don't go and print them at a crappy lab and display MY art printed terribly? Are products offered by professional photographers a thing of the past here? I've been mulling it over the last few days and I could probably comfortably do a session and hand over a CD for $500, not $750 and certainly not $1,150 that I was charging in Florida. Would people pay $500? I kind of highly doubt it.

Please, I'd love to hear feedback on what I'm supposed to do here. Lori suggested I focus on weddings here. I LOVE Weddings and all of the awards I've won this year are wedding related. I'd love to only shoot weddings...but another fact of Southern Alberta is people don't spend a lot on their wedding photographers. I didn't. I don't know how I would market weddings in Lethbridge. Must think. Weddings take so much work and effort I have to make good money or I will start hating them.

Still, very confused as to what to charge here. I'm about to launch a new family/kids site and a new wedding site.

I really wasn't trying to dis on the MWCs/Momtographers here. I am actually a fan of lots of their Facebook pages and love looking at their images. My overall question is just why aren't they charging more? Do they think Southern Albertans just won't pay it? I'm not totally convinced that they wouldn't. If you have a good client base, slowly raise your prices. But raise them. That's all I'm saying. Oh, and Calgary is a far different market than Lethbridge and area. There is more money or maybe people are just willing to spend more? But I really think this area is quite specific to how things go.

I knew this was going to be a struggle moving home from a place where people spent serious cash to here. I'm not saying $1,150 is reasonable for the CD in this market, not at all, but what is? Where is the happy medium?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Oh, Canada -- how I've missed you

2011-08-22T17:33:00.002-04:00

I could write for days how great it is to be home. Days. We arrived here three weeks ago and it was hands down the best decision we have ever made for our little ever-growing family.

The boys are madly in love with Canada. They love that we live across the street from a park and we go there at LEAST once a day (we just got home from our second time there today :) ) I love being home with them. Truly being home. We play. We laugh. They are on a schedule and I love that. My parents went to stay with my sister Laura for a few weeks to help her after her accident and so the boys have really missed them. They keep asking how many sleeps until Grandma and Grandpa get home? (Or Girl Grandpa and Boy Grandpa according to Sterling :) )

We went swimming with some of my brother's family one day. We get to see a lot of my siblings and their kids and we love it.

Brian found two jobs within 10 days of arriving back in Canada. Go him :) He's working part time at Costco doing night stalking (hahaha j/k stocking) and he's working at a company called SRI homes full time making modular homes. He really likes both but he's working 7 days a week right now and is very tired. I am so grateful I married a man that can work hard and doesn't mind it one bit.

Trying to start up my photography business here has been just as challenging as I figured it would be. The world of photography has taken an interesting turn when we went digital. Now there are a lot of what we in the industry call MWACs (Moms With a Camera) and they took a few cute pics of their kids, put up a website and BAM -- they are a professional photographer. Being in Southern Alberta where obviously stay-at-home-moms are the norm (gooooo SAHMs!) you always run into moms wanting to make a little extra, so why not be a photographer? Don't get me wrong, there are some VERY good momtographers out there. Very good. There are also a LOT of not very good ones.

The biggest beef I have is that they don't charge enough for their services. The ones that are good, that I would consider real competition, charge a flat rate and give the CD. The big studios in town don't do that. I wasn't doing that in Florida. So now I'm getting inquiries because everyone knows 6 girls at church that are photographers and they charge $150-$250 and that includes the CD and the session fee. Um...okay, my average sales in FL were well over, more like double that. And I didn't include the CD. How do I balance this? If I was going to charge a flat rate and include the CD I could maybe see myself doing it for $750? But who am I kidding? Every single one of my clients isn't going to do that? Ahhhh....anyway, there's the balance I'm trying to find. So I just ran a special on Facebook, and I've got a few inquiries. We will have to wait it out and see.

On other more happy thoughts, baby and mommy are doing great! I had an ultrasound last week and got to see hiim/her. Lots of moving around :) I see the high-risk doctor here on Friday, so that will likely determine whether or not I will continue my care here or go up to Calgary.

TTFN!

And...

2011-06-26T18:17:00.003-04:00

In case you didn't notice the baby countdown widget on the right-hand side...we are expecting :) Tomorrow I will officially be out of my first trimester. We were trying to keep it a secret for as long as possible, but it is killing me. I am not the secret-keeping type. We have had three ultrasounds and we have a fourth one this week. All is well :) The baby is about 2 inches and doing well. We saw him/her kicking and 'swimming' around last week in the ultrasound and the boys just LOVED it! Soooooo cute.

This pregnancy is entirely different than any of the previous three. I have felt really good. After about 4 p.m. every day I start to feel not so good, but it's fine. All worth it :)

I have seen the high-risk doctor 3 times and my regular obgyn 3 times. I've had 17 vials of blood taken. The high-risk doctor thought I had a blood-clotting condition, which the blood tests proved him right. I have something called Factor V Leiden Mutation. They suspect there was a blood clot in Truman's umbelical cord. They kind of suspected it all along, but I think this solidifies that theory more. What does this mean? (If you want to read the medical stuff, you can go here: http://ghr.nlm.nih.gov/condition/factor-v-leiden-thrombophilia It means I'm on Lovenox, which I inject once a day. This is really not my favorite thing to do, but of course totally worth it.

They have also discovered that I have another DNA mutation which means I don't absorb folic acid and my B-vitamins properly. So I'm on a supplement for those as well.

I'm super high-risk, but enjoying almost every minute of this pregnancy :) I'm so glad to be pregnant again.

My due date is January 9th, 2012. Likely I will deliver just after Christmas. My anxiety level near the end, with the loss of Truman, they suspect will be so high they would rather the baby be in the NICU than me so stressed which isn't good on me or baby.

Anyway, SO excited :)

Sundays will be my blogging days!

2011-06-26T18:03:00.003-04:00

It is SO hard for me not to sit at my computer and work on Sundays since that's what I do with my life the rest of the week, so I've decided that at least I should blog. So here it goes. I used to be such a good blogger!

I guess I'm just full of big news right now. We are moving to Canada. We are moving home. We are over South Florida and certainly over McDonalds. By no means do we regret moving here. But it is time to move on. Brian has decided to fullfill his life-long dream to be a commercial pilot. We are going to be moving in with my parents. I'd never have thought at 30 I'd be moving back in with my Mom & Dad, but so grateful we can right now. It will help us save on money since Brian's school is $1,000/week for a year. We need all the help we can get! While Brian is going to school to fullfill his lifelong dream, I will get to start fulfilling one of mine -- which is to open a full-fledged photography studio. I can't wait. I have learned SO much since I moved here about photography. I am an entirely different photographer now than I was when we moved here. Hopefully I can support us!

The boys are SO excited to move back to Canada. Every single morning when Sterling wakes up he asks "We go to Grandma & Grandpa's house today?" They can't wait. And neither can I. Brian is really excited to get back to the cold. He has not loved this Florida weather at all. I'm excited to see Fall again.

Our official move date is July 21st. We should be arriving back in southern Alberta August 1st-2nd-ish.

In other news...our van transmission died. Blah. BUT I'm sure glad it happened here and not in the middle of Wyoming on our roadtrip back to Canada. That would have sucked. After swearing for years I would never ever ever ever own a KIA. We are now the proud owners of a 2011 KIA Sorento. And I have to admit, it's really nice. Like, really nice. A lot nicer than I ever thought a KIA could be. I feel much safe going back to Canada in that than our old Honda.

Moving, packing, garage sale, and finishing up work is seeming quite a bit to handle for this lady. The sheer amount of work I have going on right now is actually astounding to me. I have been so blessed. Hopefully I'll also be blessed in Canada with people that want me to take their pictures!

Anyway...the next post is a must-read :)

Life...

2011-05-03T14:52:00.003-04:00

Is insane! We took a road trip up to Atlanta because Brian had a McConvention for a few days. We drove up early, hung out with Brian's family and then we drove home. Our kids are SO good in the car it is amazing!

Harrison's birthday is coming up and he has decided he wants his party at the zoo -- so I'm going to look in to that. I feel it will be a small party :) I'm going to call them today to figure out the details.

We are working with Sterling on talking more clearly. We've let him slack a bit so he doesn't pronounce his words as well as he should and can. My fault, but we are working on it.

The kids are still crazy and cute :)

I'm beyond swamped with work. If you are a fan of db images on Facebook you'll see some of my work.

Just thought I should update this :)

Loxahatche Wildlife Reserve and the Loggerhead Turtle Rescue

2011-03-21T10:47:00.004-04:00

The other day I was up north dropping pictures and baby announcements off to a client and while I was up that way I decided to take the boys to the turtle rescue that we love so much! Enjoy :) Oooohh...pictures on my blog, it's been a while!

We love that there is always something to do outside here! Lots of great things to do and fun places to go! Brian actually had a day off last week -- a shock to us all -- so we went to the Loxahatche Wildlife Reserve and saw some alligators

Things you wouldn't think about until you've lost a child or you have problems conceiving...

2011-03-19T09:49:00.003-04:00

Since the day we lost Truman, of course I've been more hypersensitive to all things baby/child related. It has been a long 16 months. Next week Truman would have been 16 months old.

Everything I'm going to say is coming from a mother that is still grieving. It is not directed at any one person, I promise. I have felt these things over the last 16 months and feel the need to vocalize them. Most of this happens on Facebook. Women make comments that I totally made too when I was expecting or a new mom. I promise you could look back and find the exact same things said when I was expecting Truman, but my perspective now...is a lot different.

I have a hard time getting excited when people announce they are expecting. I honest to goodness don't care. Well, I should say very rarely do I care. There are a few people, clients included, that have announced they are pregnant in the last little while, and I am genuinely excited for them and I've share that with them. But overall, the number of my friends on Facebook that are pregnant just reminds me that I'm not. Yes, selfish, I know. But that's how I feel. I'll send the obligatory congratulations gift 'cause that's what I'm supposed to do...but it's robotic. I know it's terrible. I know it is. But honestly, when someone announces they are pregnant I just think "must be nice...wish I was." I sure hope these feelings change when we have another baby because having a baby is the single-most life-changing experience of your life and I really do want everyone that wants to experience it, to experience it. I'm just not in an emotional state right now to be too excited for other people.

When I was expecting the boys I wouldn't have thought twice about posting on Facebook that I was tired, my body ached, I was sick, I was done being pregnant, etc. But I wouldn't have imagined how many women out there would have done ANYTHING to be tired, have an aching body, be sick, etc., just to be pregnant. So when I read Facebook status updates about women wanting to just get this pregnancy thing over with I just want to say -- "STOP. As hard as this can be on your body...you need to enjoy this. I would do anything to be 39 weeks pregnant and big as a house right now." I'm sure I complained the days and weeks leading up to losing Truman, but looking back...I wish I could have cherished those times more. And I'm not saying that women need to cherish this time in their lives because they may lose their babies...in no way am I saying that. What I am saying is this is the single-most life-changing experience...you need to try and enjoy it. Perspective, when you're in the thick of a challenge, is hard to change. I know that. Anyway, reading status updates about the pains and aches and troubles of pregnancy...there are lots of women out there that would do anything to be going through those troubles.

I LOVED my middle-of-the-night feedings with my boys. It was quiet. It was just us. I sang, they ate. I knew those times wouldn't last forever and I really did love them. Sleep deprived as I was...I loved that time. Hearing women complain about having to get up in the night to nurse/feed their babies...makes me want to say "Call me. I'll come over and feed them. I'd do anything to hear newborn cries in the middle of the night."

Anyway, yes, this is a very self-centered post. So, if you ask me how I am...I'll tell you I'm doing good, but this is how I feel inside. I struggle right now with being fine with having our three boys and trying to convince myself that if we had no more children, I'd be okay with it, but I'm not. I want more kids. I wish I was pregnant right now.

Anyway...I suspect if I get to have any more children, my pregnancy-related posts will be different than they were last time.

What I wouldn't do to be pregnant again...

NILMDTS - first one since Truman was born

2011-03-18T07:56:00.003-04:00

I've mentioned this foundation before http://www.nilmdts.org/. Grab Kleenexes before you head to that site; you'll need them.

So the first week in February I was driving home from Wal-Mart and I got the distinct feeling I needed to make my status with NILMDTS active again. I bawled the whole way home just at the thought of going back to it. I prayed about it and thought about it and it felt right. So I contact them and I was back to active status immediately.

And then I prayed to Heavenly Father that he would give me some time before I had to actually go out because I wasn't sure I was actually ready.

Apparently "some time" to Him is a week and a bit.

On Valentine's Day I got a phone call. There was a baby at St. Mary's in the NICU. She was 2 weeks old. She had been born with irrepairable heart abnormalities and the parents were taking her off of lift support today. The mom wanted pictures. The dad did not. I got there right as they had taken Baby Mia off of life support.

She was tiny. 4 lbs 10 ounces. She had lots of dark hair. She was beautiful. She was a fighter. They took Mia off life support and she kept breathing. She gasped every few breaths, but she kept breathing. She was struggling but she even tried to open her eyes at one point as if to say - I'm really here...just trying to say good-bye. She was sweet.

I had to get in work mode and do my thing. So I did. And the images...I honestly can say I did not create them. Heavenly Father, through me, created beautiful images for this family. They were not images I could have taken. The light, just everything, was Him. I can't share the images here, wish I could.

As I was packing up the mom, in broken English, said something along the lines of "It must take someone special to take these pictures ... thank you." I was never going to tell them my story because it didn't matter. Their daughter was dying. But I felt that that was the Lord's way of giving me a chance to just let them know that I KNOW it will be okay. So I said "I just want to let you know that one day you will stop crying every hour. And one week you will stop crying every day. You will never stop missing or loving her but eventually you will go back to whatever normal life is. My son Truman would be 14 months old next week. I do this for him."

The dad, who had wanted nothing to do with me came over right then, looked me right in the eyes with tears streaming down all three of our faces, and said "thank you. It means so much to us that you know. thank you."

So I left that little family as they watched their first born baby girl struggle to take her last breaths. I don't know how long it took her to pass away but I got a phone call from the dad a few days later asking about their images.

I barely made it to my car before I broke down entirely. I was a sobbing mess. I miss my Truman.

But I did it.

And I'm stronger because I did it.

Now go hug your families :)

Great Grandma Jelly Bean

2011-03-18T07:45:00.002-04:00

That was the nickname the kids had given my Grandma a long time ago. She had this jelly bean dispenser that you would turn something at the top and watch the jelly beans go down a little maze and then come out. She ALWAYS kept it stocked with jelly beans! I always tried to get the black ones. My favorites.

Great Grandma Jelly Bean, when I grew up she was Grandma Marjorie. Grandma Marjorie was an amazing woman. She raised 10 kids. 10. I love this number because every time someone had a new baby she would say "2 down, 8 to go!" She always wondered if any of her grandkids would reach 10. No one has yet.

When I was younger I remember Grandma taking really good care of my Grandpa Virgil. Grandpa had diabetes and he would try to sneak sugar whenever possible :) I was often at their house for lunch and I would remember he would test his blood and she would ask the number and he would sometimes lie about it and wink at me as if to say "shhhh....don't tell her" and if he told her the truth and it was high she would get him in trouble. And he would say "For hell's sakes, Marj, it's not a big deal."

After my Grandpa passed away my Grandma just wasn't the same. She was lonely. Despite the hundreds of descendants that she has...she was lonely. You could just tell. My Grandpa passed away in 2000, the same year as my brother. My Dad is amazing. I'm not sure how often he checked in on my Grandma...but I'm betting you it was a LOT. He's the oldest son. I think going on a mission was hard for him because he wasn't able to check in on my Grandma every day. Thankfully he has siblings and their spouses that took good care of her while they were on their mission.

One other thing I remember about my Grandma is she used to write in her journal. Every night or almost every night, I believe. When I'd stay at their house I remember watching her sit by a lamp in her chair and write and write and write. I would love to know what those journals say now.

Anyway, Grandmas are so special. Grandma Marjorie was my last grandparent to pass away. I will miss you, Grandma. I know you'll take good care of my Truman. Love you!

Anyway, I'll miss my Grandma Marjorie.

Canada!

2011-03-18T07:31:00.003-04:00

Why didn't anyone tell me it has been three months since I've blogged? Yikes! I knew it had been a while but sheesh.

My trip to Canada was amazing. We spent a month with my family and thoroughly enjoyed every single minute of it! I love my family. We are a no-drama family and I'm grateful for that! We actually enjoy each other's company :) We played a LOT of card games. We had lots of good chats. My mom and my sisters and I had spent lots of time shopping. It was heaven! Harrison and Sterling loved helping Grandpa shovel snow :) The day we got there we had warned Harrison that he needed to be careful outside on the ice and snow and that he could really hurt himself. Well, it wasn't long until he wiped out! And his response? "But I took skating lessons!" So he spent a good part of the trip with a banged up face. Poor dude!

I just enjoyed being at my parents' house. It is the same house I grew up in and it was fun to tell Harrison & Sterling stories about mommy growing up. Seeing all of my nieces and nephews was awesome too! What a great group of kiddos. We spent lots of nights eating at different siblings' houses and just enjoying it! Brian was only able to join us for about 10 days of it but we were glad to have him for some of it! We did manage to have one day where we were all together -- all 33 of us! My parents were indeed beaming the entire day :) We did get to do a family picture. When I get it finally edited I will post it. We spent one night leaving all of the grandkids by themselves at my parents' house while all of the adults went out to dinner at our favorite Chinese food restaurant! The grandkids ranged in age from 19 years old to 3 months.
I thought we were going to get kicked out of the restaurant for being so loud :) We had so much fun retelling stories from when we were younger. I love listening to my siblings tell stores since I'm the baby of the family and I don't remember as much as they do. There were points where we were all crying we were laughing so hard. Ahh...good times :)

I did manage to hang out with some of my best girlfriends from Calgary. We went out one night and laughed so hard we cried again :) I miss them. I went out for dinner with other friends too while I was in Lethbridge. It was so nice just to see familiar faces when you're out and about in town. Every time I went to Costco I would run into a friend or a cousin. Loved it!

I also had a few families hire me to do their family pictures while I was there. So fun! So cold! Doing pictures on the beach when it is +25C is a lot different than the frigid temps in January in Canada :) Despite the cold, we managed to get great family images for them.

Another important part for me of the trip was going to see my Grandma. Great Grandma Jelly Bean as the kids call her. She was a lot more frail and just older looking than the last time I had seen her. I got up to see her four or five times while I was there. I had kind of said my good-byes while I was there. She passed away last week. I'm at peace with it because I know she is with my grandfather Virgil and my little Truman.

I didn't want to come back to Florida. Florida isn't home. Canada is home. As we were landing in Calgary I was watching out the windows with my boys and I saw Old Chief Mountain. I actually cried when I saw the mountains again. That is home. The beach is pretty...the Rocky Mountains...breathtaking.

Anyway, best trip EVER.

the last year

2010-12-20T16:12:00.005-05:00

I haven't neglected blogging on purpose. I just couldn't decide the right things to say around Truman's 1st birthday. I have started and stopped and saved several drafts that just weren't the right words.

Just over a year ago my baby boy died. I'm still sad about it. I still cry about losing him. He's my baby. A member of my family is gone. He's not gone forever, but he's gone for now. It is sometimes hard to think of the eternal perspective of things. I often see friends and family with little ones around his age and think...am I not a good enough mother? God didn't see me fit to raise another one of his children? I try not to let these thoughts consume me, because they could. And sometimes do. I try to remember that God loves me and my family so much that he blessed us for as long as he possibly could with little Truman here on Earth. He needed him. I want him.

This last year has taught me so many life lessons I'm sure takes most people years and years to learn. I have learned:

The Lord loves me and Knows me.
He does not let us walk alone and he NEVER leaves us.
He wants us to be happy but His plan reigns over our wants.
He will comfort us and be there at any time of the day.
That my faith in God and Jesus Christ are what get me through the days.

Oh, I have learned so much more than that. Some of it very private. I am so grateful for my amazing husband and children. Brian didn't bond with Truman like I did since he didn't ever feel Truman moving or kicking like I did. He is still emotional over it but not as much as I am. He has stood by me and hugged me and laughed with me during my crazy moments and just been the most amazing husband a woman could ask for. I've never once heard him say "Get over it. It's been a year." "Seriously, you're crying over him again?" "Dev, there's no point in crying. That won't bring him back." All I've heard is how much he loves me and how much he wants me to be happy. He is the best husband for me.

In this last year we got to go to Truman's grave. I wasn't sure how emotional that would really be since I know his spirit is in Heaven. Oh, it was plenty emotional. It just brought back a flood of emotions from losing him. We also recently passed the year mark of Truman's funeral, December 6th. There are just certain dates that will never be the same for me.

I have grown to be a stronger woman than ever. When Truman died, repeatedly I heard or read the phrase "You are a strong woman; you'll get through this." I HATED that phrase. I didn't want to be strong. I didn't want to get through this. I wanted to cry like a baby. I did.

I am strong. When life trials hit our family now we say "We've been through worse. We can make it through this." And we have. And we will. My patriarchal blessing has phrases in it and tells me things I didn't fully understand until this happened. I am a blessed woman. I am a strong woman. God has given me these trials but he has also given me the people in my life to help me through them. He knows me better than anyone.

When we found out we lost Truman, one of the first things we did was pray. I remember once they had moved us to our private room at the back of the floor and we were alone. Brian prayed. I don't think either of us remember much of the words that were said but we prayed. We knew we needed the Lord's help then more than ever. It was in His hands. We needed to keep our line of communication open and clear with Him. There is a song by one of my favorite LDS musicians, Wayne Burton, called Thankfully and it's on his newest CD. The song talks about people in different life situations and that when hard times hit they prayed and were they fools for praying or did they know something?

I am not a fool. I know. He lives. He is real.

Yes, it's a preachy blog post today. I haven't blogged in a long time. This year has been MY year for me and to become the best ME I can. I am a strong person emotionally, spritually and physically I'm doing better too.

2011? I'll let you know in a year how it goes :)

Hmmm...

2010-10-16T20:50:00.003-04:00

Everything happens for a reason. A while ago I contacted a new local magazine that is starting up and asked if they needed a photographer. I'm thinking for sure they already have someone, but it's worth a shot, right?
Well, they contacted me and we are in business! I offered to write an article as well as do some editorial photography for them in exchange for an ad. Here is the article: http://viewer.zmags.com/publication/760fd02d#/760fd02d/14

I have already spoken with the publisher about writing an article for the next issue and what we are going to do for the cover image and some other shoots.
Not everyone knows that I had planned on going to Ryerson University right out of high school to go to their photojournalism program...ha...and look at me now :) Whoda thunk? Anyway, I'm VERY excited about all of this.

My article for the next issue is going to be a hard one to write, but I'm grateful for the experience. I'll let you know once it is published. Considering Truman's 1-year birthday is coming up...you can probably guess what the article is going to be about.

Speaking of my little Truman. It will be 11 months next week. I can not believe it. I swear I was pregnant with him last month. It is hard to believe that all of this happened almost a year ago. I've been having some pretty rough days lately. Lots of tears. Lots of heartache. I miss him. I always feel like I'm missing someone. Always. There was a funeral in our ward today and Harrison asked if we could go to it. He knew about it because I had made some food to take to it. I told him, no, little boys didn't need to go to funerals. Only big people. Then he says to me, "But, Mom, Ling-ling (that's what he calls Sterling) and I were at Truman's funeral." Oh, baby. There I am on I-95 bawling about the fact that my 4-year-old remembers going to his brother's funeral. Break my heart.

Sterling has started talking about baby tru tru as he calls him. He has just picked up on Harrison talking about him. Makes me just sad that they don't have their little brother here.
Harrison told me the other day that I was having a baby for Christmas. I assured him that, no, that wouldn't be the case. I told him, "Mommy doesn't have a baby in her tummy, so we won't have one at Christmas." To which he replies, "Oh, we need to go to the store and get you those mommy vitamins so you can have a baby in your tummy." Ha, he thinks babies come from prenatal vitaminds :) He can believe that as long as he wants!

Anyway, despite my emotional state, I'm still doing really well. Photography is crazy busy and I'm super happy about that! It helps keep my mind off of everything else.

I just recently redid my blog and my website, you can check them out here: www.dbimages.ca and www.dbimagesblog.com

Glad I made time to update!

Time flies

2010-10-02T22:12:00.003-04:00

It's OCTOBER, people! When did that happen? I have been so insanely busy I can't even believe it's already October. Sorry to those that actually read this, I've been that crazy. Thankfully you're all on my Facebook, so we can keep up that way!

Sterling turned 2.5 this last week!!!!!!! He's talking a ton more, cute little sentences. He's adorable, what can I say? He's really rough and tumble. He LOVES playdough. Love may be an understatement. He literally played with it at the kicthen table for three hours the other day. Just sat and played and sang and talked to it. He's hilarious.

And Harrison LOVES Joyschool. LOVES. He's so smart! I love that he is learning so much and he thinks learning is way cool. He is speaking in the primary presentation at the end of the month and he learned all of his reading/lines today. "When I read the scriptures and pray, I can receive a testimony that Jesus Christ is the son of God." He loves repeating it. The presenation isn't until the end of the month, but we figured he can't learn it too early and hopefully if he has it memorized really well we can work on the stage fright with him. He's SUPER shy when it comes to being in front of people, so we are going to have to work on that.

Joyschool has taught me a lot. It has taught me...I am not cut out for homeschooling. We will not be homeschooling next year. I'm way too busy with db images (which is a good thing) to homeschool, which is a full-time job. It has been a difficult time for me to come to terms with realizing that I'm not going to homeschool but it will be best for everyone. I refuse to do a half-crap job of homeschooling my kids, that would do NO one justice. And db images is doing REALLY well, and I would like to keep it that way. We need the extra money and I feel like I have been given this talent to use. So...he's going to school. I'm going to start looking into charter schools here. The public schools where we live aren't an option. Private school is likely too expensive, but we will see. So, keep checking back for more on that!

db images has been doing great and I'm loving it. I feel like my camera has been attached to my hand almost 24/7 and if it's not in my hand, my butt is in my computer chair. I have great clients. I'm doing a vendor booth at a public school in Wellington in November and I'm REALLY looking forward to it! I'm going to ROCK it :) SO much going on.

I have so many things going on in my head it's crazy.

And...in other news...I GOT MY TRAVEL VISA!!! About FREAKING time. I'm heading home for Christmas. Sooo...any southern Albertans out there that want portraits...book now! I'd love to be able to partially pay for our trip through portrait sessions at home.

For a photographer you'd think I'd have more images of those gorgeous kiddos of mine...alas...I have some I need to edit. Story of my life :)

Well, I thought it was about time I update this thing! I hope to do better. Look for changes coming in the new year to a new host, etc. That is if I can find time to do a new blog for mommy is crazy between a new site and blog for db images :)

Hard to answer questions...

2010-08-17T09:17:00.002-04:00

I haven't written a lot lately about our little Truman, but I think about him all the time. A day doesn't go by that I don't think about my little angel several times. I miss him. We were at the drs office yesterday for the boys and there was a little girl there that I suspected was around the age he would have been, and she was. It's really hard to see kids the same age as he would be. I can't help but think...Oh, that's what Truman would be doing. I also love seeing kids the same age as him for the same reason...to get an idea of what he would be doing.

We took the crib down a few weeks ago because we were having company for a few weeks and there just wasn't room for the blow-up mattress and the crib and my craft table, etc. It was a sad night for me. I know it's just a material thing and doesn't matter, but it was just a finality of sorts. I cried but I knew my little Truman was telling me "It's okay, Mommy. I'm up here. I don't need that crib." I just have this fear inside me...maybe I will never use that crib again.

Of course I want more kids. I want more babies. That being said, I thank God every day for my boys and tell him, yes, I'm okay with the three boys I have. I know I'm blessed to have the three I do. I shouldn't be greedy. But a mother just has needs sometimes for more children. I am one of those women who could always have a baby around and be super happy. It's hard. I want to say I'm okay and we'll be fine if we never have any more children...but I don't think I totally believe myself.

It has almost been 9 months since our little Truman was born. I still can't believe it has been that long because emotionally I still feel like it was last week. I am handling this better than I ever would have thought. I have a hard time being excited for other people when they get pregnant and I'm wreck once I hear any of our friends or family have gone into labor until I hear that the baby is safe and sound. So, if you are pregnant or just had a baby, don't be offended that I'm not showering you with love and gifts and congratulations. I just don't have it in me. I miss my own baby too much.

So...back to the title of my post: Hard to answer questions.

"How many kids do you have?"
My answer 99% of the time is "Three boys, and one gets to watch the craziness that is our life from Heaven." At first it was a real debate for me to figure out what to say. I didn't want to get into the story of Truman with every stranger that I meet but I didn't want to discount my little dude. It was after this happening several times that I finally decided on the answer above. MOST people say they are so sorry and don't get weirded out by it. It really depends on the situation.

"I'm guessing your necklace/ring is your kids' birthstones...is your other one in school?"
Similar answer to the one above. After Truman was born Brian got me a beautiful ring and a necklace that both have my kids' birthstones in them and I often see people do the math.

"Don't you love just having two kids? I don't think I could handle any more."
"No, I wish I had a million more!" I know some people just aren't made to have a ton of kids and don't have the desire for them, so this is harmless.

"So...when will the next one come along?"
"He already did but he thought Heaven was a much cooler place than Earth so he went early." Sometimes I have to laugh or I will cry. I do explain after this that we had a stillborn baby. People just assume with my other two being so close that we should have baby around...they are right :)

"When are you due?"
"I'm not, I just keep having huge babies that have made my body permanently look this way!"
The surgeon explained to me about my stomach and how I will always look pregnant unless I get a tummy tuck and they tighten the walls abdomen. It has gotten worse since having my gallbladder out...not sure at all why that is the case. So I'm losing weight around this and it is looking more prominent -- UGH!

Life while grieving is hard. I have heard people tell me that they sometimes forget about Truman because I'm handling life so well. :( I assure you all I am still very much grieving. I miss my little boy and wish for nothing more than to see him again.

The insanity does not end!

2010-08-04T01:00:00.002-04:00

The night of the d&c I ended up in the hospital with a gallbladder attack. Two weeks later I had my gallbladder removed. OY! I'm done with doctors, hospitals and surgeries, thank you. Since Truman passed away I have had a suspected hernia, shingles, d&c and two gallbladder attacks and my gallbladder removed. I didn't ever figure I would be one of those women with a ton of health problems! I'm hoping this is just a little stint and I'll be all better...a girl can hope, right?

The boys are doing super good. Harrison is VERY excited to start Joyschool in a few weeks, as am I. We have turned the nursery into our spare room which will actually be our school room. As we don't have any friends here to do Joyschool with, since everyone puts their kids in VPK and preschool, it's just Harrison and mommy. I'm okay with it but was hoping to share the Joyschool experience with other moms. This is in preparation for homeschooling so I'm okay with it, but I was hoping to join up with other moms.

So much has been going on! I need to do separate blog posts for it all. I wonder if I have any readers left I've been such a slacker...

Back on the bandwagon

2010-07-09T13:56:00.001-04:00

It is time. I have the go-ahead from the dr. I'm back on Weight Watchers and I'm VERY excited about it :) I gained 10 lbs after we found out we were pg. This time I'll get under the magic 200 lb mark! I started WW again on Wednesday and I'm down 6 lbs :) Yes, I know, some of that is baby weight I would have lost anyway, but :P anyway.

Not sure if you want to join WW? Can't afford it? Email me and we'll chat!

Mixed Emotions

2010-06-25T17:19:00.004-04:00

This blog was supposed to be the exciting announcement of a new baby. Sadly, though, that is not the case.

We found out 4-5 weeks ago we were expecting again. Unbelievably excited and terrified at the same time. We called all of my family and our close friends to tell them the good news. We waited to tell Brian's family in person since we knew we would be seeing them in only a few weeks. We were so excited. Surprised we got pregnant again so fast but thrilled.

On the 7-month annivesary of Truman's birth I had my first ultrasound to see the baby. I was excited and couldn't wait to see the little one. I knew as soon as the ultrasound tech started that something was wrong. She just told me that the dr would talk to me. Yeah, I've seen that face before. So I knew, just KNEW it wasn't okay. The dr informed me that it was rare, but the ultrasound tech could only see a sac, no fetus. There is no signs that there ever was a fetus. My body has thought it was pregnant for 10 weeks now. I look pregnant. I took two home pregnancy tests that both came back positive. The blood test at the doctor's office also came back positive. My body thinks it is pregnant. Sadly, though, it isn't. I will go back on Thursday for another ultrasound to make sure there isn't a baby and then they will schedule a d&c. Obviously we are super sad about the news. We were excited at the chance to be parents again.

As soon as I got home from the dr's after I found out, Brian took the day off to be with me and the kids. I'm so grateful that he just knows what I need. I took a bath as soon as I got home and picked up the General Conference edition of the Ensign. In there I found this talk about Elder Uchtdorf http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=fe0fde009da38210VgnVCM100000176f620a____&vgnextoid=f318118dd536c010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD

And the line that stood out to me was: "Patience means accepting that which cannot be changed and facing it with courage, grace and faith." Nothing more perfect could have been said to me at that time. I can't change God's plan. If I could I'd have my little boy Truman in my arms. I don't get to say what happens in this life. All I can do is live so I am worthy of living with my little Truman in the life hereafter and the rest of my family.

Courage? Courage? I am not a courageous woman. I have always wondered what exactly that means. I'm someone that is terrified to talk about my religion to others. I just don't have courage like that. But maybe it means something else. Maybe I'll find out one day.

Grace. Through the trials of my life and just growing up I think I have learned what it means to face trials with grace. Or at least I'm working on it. I can't be mad at the Lord. He has given me SO much. I gracefully submit to His will. Yes, I'm sad. I want more than anything to have more babies. I want my baby in heaven to live here with me. BUT it isn't my choice; it's His. I am SO blessed to have my gorgeous boys here. They are smart, happy and healthy. They love us as parents and we love them more than words can describe. I am so blessed in my life I really have no place to complain.

Faith. I will admit I have a lot of faith. If I didn't have faith I would be a bitter woman. I would hate God. I wouldn't believe in God. I would hate the world right now and feel like life just isn't fair. My son was taken from me before I could say hello to him and hear him coo...I have every right in this world to be bitter and not believe. Some people may see it as that. I see my trials as faith-building exercises. For some reason Heavenly Father as seen it fit that I get a lot of these trials right now. Of course part of me, the day we found out about this loss, wanted to scream, "REALLY, GOD? REALLY?????" How much can I take? I hate to even ask that because I don't want to know the answer. I have faith, though, that he is building me up and strengthening my faith. He is building and molding me into the woman he knows I can be. Right now I am just a mother trying to raise her young family in the Gospel. Heavenly Father is guiding my family in the direction he needs us to be. I have to trust in Him for He has given me so much.

I am often told I'm an inspiration to others. I'm not sure why. Everyone is strong in their own right. I look up to so many women in my life and I feel like I'm just barely keeping my head above the water. I don't know how they do it.

I am SO blessed to have an amazing husband. He is my rock. We are best friends and we are still madly in love with each other. It is because of him I'm able to stay strong in the gospel.

Anyway, I had hoped this blog post would be a happy one with announcement of a new baby and a little baby ticker on the side bar. That isn't the case. It is another faith building exercise for me. Thank you to everyone who has helped me and continues to help me along this journey. I love you all.

Harrison turned 4!

2010-05-30T20:53:00.007-04:00

I still can't believe I have a 4-year-old! Harrison is such a big boy! I'm just so in love with my boys. Harrison is super smart. He loves to learn new things. He just learned the days of the week. He knows his letters and numbers by sight, well, most of them. He loves to build things. He is a really great kid. He likes to test his limits but is a super great kid. I remember the day I found out I was expecting him like it was yesterday :)

Harrison's newborn picture :)

Harrison's 1-year picture :)

Harrison's 2-year picture :)

Harrison's 3-year picture :)

Harrison's 4-year picture. (Not really, I just haven't taken his real one yet).

I will be posting all of his party pictures on Facebook if it ever lets me upload them! Here is a picture of the cake. My amazing friend Wendy made the cake :)

Nobility in Motherhood & Joy in Womanhood

2010-05-09T08:18:00.000-04:00

This is the Relief Society Declaration by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I believe every single word in it and need to work harder at doing what it says.

We are beloved spirit daughters of God,
and our lives have meaning, purpose, and direction.
As a worldwide sisterhood, we are united in our devotion
to Jesus Christ, our Savior and Exemplar.
We are women of faith, virtue, vision, and charity who:

Increase our testimonies of Jesus Christ
through prayer and scripture study.

Seek spiritual strength by following the
promptings of the Holy Ghost.

Dedicate ourselves to strengthening
marriages, families, and homes.

Find nobility in motherhood
and joy in womanhood.

Delight in service and good works.

Love life and learning.

Stand for truth and righteousness.

Sustain the priesthood
as the authority of God on earth.

Rejoice in the blessings of the temple,
understand our divine destiny,
and strive for exaltation."

I know that I am a spirit daughter of God. I know he loves me. I know this with every fiber of my being. I know this because those long nights in the hospital when we were having Truman, Brian would be asleep and I would sit there and cry and never ONCE did I doubt that God was there for me. Never ONCE did I wonder if there was a God. I knew he loved me and that he loved Truman and had plans for him that I couldn't do here on Earth. I cried because I was sad and I wanted my baby to be born alive. Of course I was sad, I'm human, I'm a Mother and my greatest desire in life is to be a Mother to my babies and to hold them and watch them grow. I don't get that chance right now with Truman, but I do with Harrison and Sterling and for that I am grateful. One day I will get to see Truman again and that is what helps me through the days.

I am blessed to be part of a worldwide sisterhood who all believe the same thing and are joined in a great cause. We are raising the next generation and we need to band together to make them the strong leaders tomorrow needs. I am a woman of faith. I believe what I believe because I have been down on my knees in prayer to my Father in Heaven. He has let me know what is true. I am a woman of virtue. I am fiercly faithful to my husband and family. I am a woman of vision. I see things I want for my family and strive to attain them together, united. I believe in charity as charity never faileth.

I strive to increase my testimony of Jesus Christ. Through him I am forgiven of my sins and through him I am blessed by the Lord. I pray. I speak with my Father in Heaven because he is real. I have felt his arms around me during the trials in my life and most recently, I know it was He that held me in the hospital when the world crashed down on my shoulders. He has strengthened me during the last six months so I can continue to be the Mother I need to be to my two gorgeous boys here and to be the wife I need to be for my husband. I know the scriptures are true. I have no doubt that the scriptures were written when they were for our time now. I know this. I believe this.

I seek spiritual strength daily by following the Holy Ghost. It is an art to know when the Holy Ghost is prompting you and thankfully I have been practicing that for a while. I am grateful for the guidance of the Holy Ghost in my life.

I am fiercly dedicated to strengthening my married, family and home. Nothing in the world means more to me than my family. Nothing.

I find nobility in Motherhood. I have princes for children and I love that. It helps me when I am having a rough time with them to remember they are children of God and they have only been lent to me here. I find joy in womanhood. I love being a woman and a mother. I do find joy in it daily.

I delight in service and good works. I need to do this more because I do delight in it and feel great after I have helped someone.

I love life and learning. I love it. I love to learn and I love my life.

I stand for truth and righteousness. I find this one a hard balance to not be overbearing in my beliefs to my friends and family. I want people to know I have faith but I don't want to shove it down their throats. I find this one tough. I dont' find the standing for truth and righteousness hard, I find it hard to not want to tell the whole world I believe every day. I believe in teaching by example. I hope my example speaks to what I believe.

I sustain the priesthood as the authority of God on Earth. My husband holds the priesthood and for that I am grateful. I can feel the power of the priesthood in my home and for that I am blessed and thankful.

I rejoice in the blessings of the temple. I LOVE the temple. I love going there and feeling the Spirit and being taught. I can feel our little Truman's spirit when we are there and I know he is okay. I understand my divine destiny. I know where I came from, why I am here and where I am going and where Truman is. I KNOW this. I strive for exaltation daily. I want to return to live with my Truman one day and be worthy of him and my Father in Heaven and brother Jesus Christ.

I find Nobility in Motherhood and Joy in Womanhood. Do you?

Blessings!

2010-05-03T16:46:00.003-04:00

Who knew that overnight the bridal expo could change? We have been working with several vendors who have said they were interested but just didn't make the leap. We made a booth rate special that we hoped would bring more people to sign and VOILA! I've been a busy lady signing people. Thank goodness. Prayers are truly answered. Hard work is paying off. I'm glad we haven't given up.

I scared a potential vendor with my last post about not having really booked anyone -- SORRY! Sorry!

Sorry!

Truman

2010-04-29T11:31:00.003-04:00

I think about him every day. A lot. I miss him. This morning at mommies group there were lots of mommies with little babies. I was sad I didn't have my little guy. It's hard. Sometimes it is hard to balance my insane life and remember that I'm grieving. And sometimes it is hard to grieve because my life is insane. I am handling it all well. A lot better than I would have ever thought I would have handled this. That being said, I wish I had my baby with me. I still feel like I'm missing someone all the time. His crib is in the nursery, empty.

In the books I read after he passed away they said by 6 months your famiy and friends have pretty much moved on. It was 5 months this week. You are the only one that thinks about him all the time. Thankfully I have the BEST family and friends. Yes, I realize that every time I talk to my family and friends they don't think about Truman. Thankfully they are always there when I need to talk.

Yesterday I was walking around Okeeheelee Park. I often think about Truman when I'm out and walking. Out of no where I hear Amazing Grace on the bagpipes. That's what my nephew Eric played on the bagpipes at Truman's funeral. I thought...okay, I'm officialy going crazy. And there, on a hill, was a guy playing the bagpipes. Yes, I TOTALLY broke down then and there.

I know Truman is watching us and wishes he was with us. I think he more wishes he didn't have to watch his Mommy cry for him. I didn't know humans were capable of the amount of tears that I have shed in the last 5 months. Thankfully we can cry and release those feelngs.

Below is a picture of the blanket my amazing friend Michelle made for Truman and gave me in the hospital. She has NO idea how much this blanket has meant to me. I have cried many a night holding this.

We exist!

2010-04-29T11:25:00.002-04:00

Wow...I'm a HUGE blogslacker. This blog and my work blog.

Okay, so what's new? The expo business sucks. We are signing the first contract and getting the first money today. The show is in 5 weeks. It isn't looking promising. Whatever. We tried. That's all I can do. No biggie.

Harrison is getting smarter by the minute. He can write his name and is doing well with his letters. I heard about joyschool through my friend Sharon in Canada and I'm going to start it with him in the fall. I hope to get some other mommies involved. Once again, we started with a new mommies group and Harrison is the only one his age because all the other moms' 3-4-year-olds are in daycare for SAHM's...I mean 'school'. Hopefully I can find a few moms that will ant to do this with me.

Sterling is a riot! He is a silly kid. He's starting to talk a LOT better and in sentences. 'I go pay.' (I go play). 'I 'ant dat.' (I want that). Etc. He's cute. I need to get him in for his 2-year well check.

Life is going on. I'm down 40.8 lbs with Weight Watchers :) Happy me! I'm so happy! I have TON more energy.

Mommy is crazy.

Camping?

2010-04-10T21:44:00.003-04:00

Yes, I went camping. I am not much for the outdoors living but Brian wanted to go and I knew the boys would have fun so off we went! We went with our Bishop and his family. It was a short trip but nice to not work for a day!

Here's a picture of the family. Please remember, we are camping, no makeup and we were a mess!

How to confuse an almost 2-year-old?

2010-03-20T15:23:00.001-04:00

We were pointing out body parts on the kitty and then Sterling was finding them on himself.

Eyes...he'd point to Sam's eyes and then his own.
Nose...he'd point to Sam's nose and then his own.
You get the idea.

Then he found Sam's tail. I said, "That's Sam's tail."
Sterling said, "Tail."
I said, "Where's Sterling's tail?"

LOL....oh, the look on his face was priceless. He did turn around and try to find his tail. Oh...that was funny!

What exactly does 30 lbs mean?

2010-03-15T16:45:00.004-04:00

Yes, I posted about this on Facebook, and I'm not trying to brag, so I hope it doesn't come off that way. This has been a huge (pun intended) feat and I wanted to share.

Well, I have worked hard for the last 11 weeks to lose 30 lbs. 31.2 to be exact :) It hasn't been easy. I joined Weight Watchers 4 weeks after we lost Truman. It was kind of my way of making sure I had 'me' time at least once a week. I attend the meetings faithfully every week. Who knew what 45 minutes could do to a person's week? I could write an entire post on why Weight Watchers works. It is not a diet. I will tell you that much. I have not ONCE in 11 weeks felt starved or like I'm not getting enough of what I want.

But here is what 30 lbs means to me:

>I have WAY more energy to play with my two gorgeous boys.

>I am less cranky!

>I am down two dress sizes and *almost* another one.

>I enjoy getting out with the kids and I actually like having our pictures taken. I don't feel nearly as self conscious as I did before.

>I can actually exercise!

Also, here is how I think about 30 lbs. That is like carrying an extra toddler around with me all of the time just for fun. 30 lbs is a LOT.

Now, all of this being said, I am no where NEAR where my goal is. I still have another 50-60 lbs I would like to lose. But I'm a third of the way to where I wanted to be!

Anyway, I'm attaching a family picture from Sunday of us. :)

He was never meant to be our baby but we were always meant to be his parents.

2010-02-18T23:12:00.002-05:00

That is what I learned when I was at the temple the other day. Truman was never going to be our baby. His purpose wasn't to be our baby. His purpose was to get a body for a short time and then return to live with our Father in Heaven. He is doing a much greater work across the veil.

Brian surprised me on Monday and told me we should plan to go to the temple on Tuesday. I, of course, would never say no to that! So we found a sitter and off we went. It was beautiful. Being in the temple I could feel our little Truman's spirit stronger than ever. Heavenly Father reaffirmed for me everything I know but just gave me that little push to confirm it all. Truman is doing a great work on the other side of the veil. He is busy.

One beautiful inspiration I received in the temple was that not only do we miss our little boy Truman, but he misses us too. He misses his brothers. I had a beautiful vision in my mind of Truman sitting on Heavenly Father's lap for snuggle since he was missing his mommy and daddy. I know he is working hard and doing the Lord's will. That being said, it is still very hard to be away from my baby boy.

My life is a crazy one. I am someone that needs to have a million things on the go but every few days it will hit me hard that I'm still grieving. My baby died. I never got to hear my baby cry. I wonder what one cry would have sounded like. I sometimes wish I could have just had him alive for just a few moments. And then I think...no...this is the way God intended. But part of me just wishes...for a moment I could have seen him alive.

So yes, below the exterior of being a stay-at-home mom, running two businesses and just being me I am still grieving. I still go into the nursery every night and say goodnight to my angel baby. I am able to talk about Truman with other people just fine but it is the quiet moments alone that get me. It is the moments when I just think about my three boys. I miss him. I will forever grieve losing him but be forever grateful he is my son. Now I need to live worthy to return and live with God, Jesus and my little Truman.

I love you, Truman.

Wow...

2010-01-30T12:24:00.003-05:00

So much is going on in my life I don't know where to start.

Harrison is loving 'school' at home with me and can write 'H' and 'A'...you can see where we are going with this, right? I want him to be able to write his name on his Valentines to his friends, so we will see!

Sterling is learning new words and phrases. This week he said 'tv' and 'aw, man!'. Cute little dude!

Truman is still thought about every day. The last few days have been really hard for me. Lots of tears shed for my baby. I think I'm having trouble not feeling guilty for moving on with my life. I know I need to move on with life, but I feel guilty about it. From all of the books I've read apparently I'm normal (no, laughing or jokes here from the peanut gallery ;) ). I miss Truman. Every time I feel like the boys are I are off on another adventure I think...if I had Truman with me we wouldn't probably be doing this. And then I feel bad for thinking that. Oh, the emotions! I am slowly but surely doing better. I can not believe it has been over 2 months since our sweet boy was taken to Heaven. At church a few weeks ago in Relief Society the song was 'Families can be together forever'. Nope, can't sing that one. That is what was sung at Truman's funeral. I LOST it. I am getting better, day by day, hour by hour and sometimes minute by minute.

DB Images is doing well, getting more inquiries for the year. I'm gearing up for a few weddings at the end of February/beginning of March.

BUT, exciting news!!!! My friend Tristine (another photographer) and I have started a new business. We will be hosting bridal shows/expos. Our business is called Wedded Bliss Bridal Expo. I haven't said much on Facebook about it because we don't have the money in hand yet for the financing. We are meeting with our investor on Monday and once it is all totally official and contracts signed then I'll make the official announcement. The investor has approved it and is TOTALLY on board and sees the potential we do in the business.

Anyway, that has been consuming a lot of my time lately. A lot! Keep checking back for big updates on that!

Oh -- and I've lost just over 20 lbs on Weight Watchers in 5 weeks :)

Internal Battle

2010-01-20T22:32:00.002-05:00

Irrational Devynn:

I should stay in bed all day. I should just ask people to take my kids for me since I can't get up with them. My house can be gross and messy...people will understand. I'm grieving. I can eat whatever I want. Who cares if I gain more weight...I'm fat anyway and people will understand. I'm grieving and depressed, right?

Rational Devynn:

I have three gorgeous boys, two of which need me to get out of bed every morning and bring some normalcy to their lives. My house is still my house and I need to be proud of it. If I let piles pile up I will feel like I'm drowning. I can not eat what I want because I need to set an example for my kids. I need to lose weight and be the best ME I can be.

-------------------

Thankfully Rational Devynn wins :) I joined Weight Watchers four weeks after Truman passed away and I have lost 15.8 lbs in the last four weeks. I started exercising last week and started a more intense workout this week. I am just excited about being a better me. 2010 is MY year.

This is a very very REAL battle I face every day if not every hour.

No surgery!

2010-01-20T22:22:00.002-05:00

Good news, I don't have to have surgery. It isn't a hernia. What has happened is my muscle has become stretched out (like if you stretch and elastic too far and it stays) and so there isn't a hole, like a hernia is, but it is very stretched out and everything behind it is pushing on it and causing a rounded bulge :( It CAN be repaired but it is purely costmetic and the surgeon advised me that it is a controversial issue in the world of surgery. They can go in and repair it like a hernia and put in mesh and sutures but it isn't necessary.

The surgeon said to build up my core muscles as much as I can from preventing it from getting any worse, but it won't get any better. Spanx, here I come!

Anyway, glad that is over!

Sometimes...

2010-01-14T15:34:00.003-05:00

I just want to sceam. Like on Monday when I found out I have to have surgery again. Didn't I just have surgery 7.5 weeks ago? I have a hernia. Lovely.

I'm not in any pain. At my six-week appointment I asked the dr why I still look pregnant. I thought maybe my uterus hadn't contracted as fast since I wasn't nursing. No, my uterus is back where it is supposed to be. We confirmed it by ultrasound. So my dr sent me to a surgeon to see if I had a hernia. Yes, that's what it is. He sent me for a catscan to confirm. I haven't met with him since the catscan, I see him on Monday. Anyway, this sucks. I don't want surgery again. I don't want to recover physically from anything else.

I am SO grateful for an amazing mother-in-law who is willing to come out and be with me and the boys while I recover. There has never been a time in my life when I have had to humble myself as much as I have to ask for as much help as I have had to in the last 7.5 weeks. Thank goodness for amazing friends and family.

Now we are trying to schedule the surgery around upcoming weddings I have to shoot. I have amazing clients thank goodness who have all been very understanding.

Each day I'm doing better and better. I'm still emotionally torn up but each day is getting easier. I still feel like I'm missing someone. I still wish I had my baby boy with me. BUT, I still know he is where Heavenly Father needs him. I know this was God's plan. It does make it a bit easier to know that my little boy will be waiting with open arms to greet me one day. He is my little dude and one day I will see him again. Until then, he watches over me and my family and helps us through these trials we have.

I love you and miss you baby boy.

Six weeks...

2010-01-06T13:41:00.005-05:00

I had my six-week check-up with the dr. How weird it was to leave the doctor's office without a baby in tow. I constantly feel like I'm missing someone. Every time I get the kids in or out of the van I feel like I should have a baby carrier in my arms. It is such a weird feeling to always feel like you are forgetting someone.

I have my good days and bad days. Lately there have been a lot of bad compared to good. I just keep trying to find a balance. I know it is important for me to grieve and take time for myself but I keep trying to get back to 'normal' life and as soon as I start to overdo it I have a melt down and then I'm a mess for the rest of the day. I have to keep taking a step back and realizing I can't do it all. I can not do it all.

Today at the mall there was a mom with a baby boy about a month old. Truman would have been a month old yesterday. I feel empty. I love my kids and husband but I just feel empty. I almost cried when I saw that mom with her little guy but I didn't. I wanted to. I am missing him a lot. It seems as though the rest of the world has continued on and left us in the dust. I know the rest of the world has to continue doing their things but I sometimes feel like I'm standing in the middle of it all and no one knows my son died only a few weeks ago.

I have amazing friends and family that are helping me through this but the truth is I have to do most of this by myself. I'm grateful for those that have stuck by me in all of this and have been amazing. Seriously amazing. I have never suffered depression. I didn't have post-partum depression with the kids. I think what I'm going through right now is simply grief. I am grieving. I am still grieving and a part of me will grieve forever I'm sure. I do have very sad days where I miss Truman and feel like I'm never going to get out of this.

I go day-to-day functioning as a normal mommy toting my kids around and getting out and going on walks and playing at the park while most of the time I'm feeling inside like I just want to cry and then cry more. All I've ever wanted is to be a mommy with lots of kids. I just thought I'd get them all here with me. I know where Truman is and that is comforting but I still wish I had him with me.

I want to have a nursery with a baby in it.
I want to hear cries in the middle of the night.
I want that newborn baby smell.
I want to be tired from being up in the night with my baby.
I want to have pictures of the big brothers doting on their little brother.
I want to snuggle my sleeping baby boy.
I want him.

2010 -- I can't wait!

2010-01-01T23:53:00.003-05:00

I have always been someone that enjoyed setting goals and achieving them. That being said, I set goals throughout the year and honestly, I prefer to not set them at the beginning of the year, maybe that just feels too cliche? This year, though, the beginning of the year just seems fitting for a lot of my goals and I'm stoked for what 2010 will have in store for me and my family.

Harrison is in primary this year! I can not believe that my little dude is going with the big kids. I can't wait! He's growing up so fast. He is so excited for primary. I'm also going to start to focus a bit more on homeschooling with Harrison this year and we are both excited for that. We are also hoping to get Harrison into hockey this year. He says he wants to play so we have priced it out and think we can afford for him to go. We are going to start with just some skating lessons first and see how that goes. Exciting!

Sterling will change so much this year. He will be talking more and that will open up worlds for the little man that tries to talk but just hasn't quite figured it all out yet. He is going to learn so much in this next year!

Brian is doing so well with McDonalds right now and he is stoked about his job. He is in a new and busier store and he loves it. At church he is a Sunday School teacher and he loves it.

I have a kajillion goals for myself this year, but overall it is better health, stronger spiritually and to be a better mother. Lots of small goals within all of that, but I just want to be a better me.

Who knows what 2010 has in store for us? 2009 was a rough year at the end but we have become stronger people and a stronger family because of it and will continue to do so.

I hope 2010 is awesome for your family and that many great things are in store for you!

2009 in review

2009-12-31T22:37:00.003-05:00

Since I did a 2009 review on my other blog here: http://www.dbimagesblog.wordpress.com/ I thought I would do one for my personal one too.

2009 was quite a year for us as a family, we had many many ups and a few downs.

January - Sterling was cruising around furniture and got his 8th tooth! He was a big chubby baby still. Harrison was enjoying being a big brother and learning to sing lots of songs.

February - I was bombarded with photography work and trying to keep my head above water! We got to visit my sister and her family in Indiana and see my parents before they left for their mission in Toronto.

March - Sterling turned 1!!!! What a big boy! I also attendd a much-needed weekend of Time Out For Women and it was AWESOME!

April - We found out we were expecting Truman!

May - Harrison turned 3 and I turned 28! I did a kajillion weddings in May. Harrison was finally potty trained!

June - We drove to Memphis for Brian's sister's wedding. The kids did amazing!

July - I started couponing like a mad woman :)

August - Brian turned 29. Couponing continues!

September - I held a couponing class at my house...yes, I'm a nerd.

October - Harrison was a giraffe and Sterling was a zebra for Halloween :)

November - Our sweet little Truman was stillborn two weeks before I was scheduled for a C-section. This event was the one that stands out the most for 2009. We love and miss him. I am the mother of three boys, one happens to watch from Heaven.

December - We attended Truman's funeral in Indiana. I got to see almost all of my siblings and my parents there. It was a sad month for us. We spent Christmas just our little family and that was how we wanted it. We got to spend some time reflecting on our little Truman's life.

Overall 2009 was a great year for us. Heavenly Father blessed us wth another child. We are so lucky for that. Losing Truman will always be painful. I will always miss my sweet little boy. I am SO grateful, though, for the testimony that I have gained through this experience. Heavenly Father has not left my side for one minute and for that I am grateful. I also feel that throughout 2009 Brian and I have grown closer, even before Truman's passing. We are determined to be the best parents we can, because our children deserve that.

I am looking forward to an amazing 2010. I am going to rock this year like no year yet. I can't wait to enjoy this year and really be the person I know I can be. I'm excited to start pre-school homeschooling more with Harrison. I'm excited for Sterling to start talking more and learn more. I'm excited for Brian working hard at McDonalds and doing great things for them. I'm excited for my photography business to keep building. But most importantly, I'm excited to work on me as a person. I'm excited to become more of the woman I know I can be. I'm looking at 2010 as MY year.

Physical vs. Emotional

2009-12-26T13:59:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow will be five weeks since we went to the hospital and found out our Truman was no longer alive. I can't believe it has been that long. It feels like it was last week.

I had the C-section almost five weeks ago. Physically I'm feeling pretty good. I can lift things without hurting, I can go about my day-to-day functions without any real problems. The only thing that hurts still is when I sneeze I can feel my incision pain again. I still look like I'm a few weeks pregnant still (first trimester) but that will go down within the next few weeks. Without a baby to nurse it is taking longer for my uterus to contract than normal for me. So physically you could say I'm almost back to normal.

Emotionally...I'm still on a rollercoaster. I still have good long cries...which I know are therapeutic. Not an hour goes by I don't think of the baby I should have in my arms. Not a night goes by I don't peek in the nursery to an empty crib. I don't know why I do that. I know there isn't a baby in there. I think it is just some time for me to think about my little Truman. I always peek in on Harrison & Sterling and kiss them goodnight while they sleep and then I open the nursery door and just think about Truman. I suppose I'm saying goodnight to him too. I have said this throughout the last five weeks that I am SO grateful Heavenly Father gave us Harrison and Sterling to help me through this. I don't know how women make it through this with their first baby. I would seriously be a crying mess on my bed for weeks on end if I didn't have these little guys to keep me going.

I'm just finding an interesting balance between my physical and emotional states right now. Don't get me wrong, I'm so glad it doesn't take as long physically to heal as it will take me emotionally to 'heal'. I just think it is interesting that I look like I should be carrying on 'normally' when inside I'm still torn up. If I looked physically like I felt emotionally, no one would expect me to be up and functioning. God made us this way for a reason. If I had to wait until I was emotionally ready to be functioning in 'normal' life I'm afraid what I knew as 'normal' life would not be normal to me anymore and then I'd be starting over.

Anyway...ramblings of a grieving mother.

Merry Christmas

2009-12-25T22:36:00.004-05:00

We spent the morning opening presents with two very excited little boys. We then spent a while this afternoon at the beach just enjoying nature and trying out Harrison's new kite. I'm glad my boys were able to have a Merry Christmas and that my sadness for missing my other son didn't overshadow their special day.

I miss Truman. Today was REALLY hard. Harder than I imagined it would be but I made it through and I'm okay.

Merry Christmas...

2009-12-24T12:06:00.003-05:00

...and I actually mean it. Honestly, a month ago I couldn't have fathomed saying Merry Christmas to anyone and meaning it. I just thought I'd say it, since that is what is required of us, and move on, internally thinking...whatever...Merry whatever. But I am glad to say that I honestly mean it. I really hope everyone does have a Merry Christmas. I know that despite all of what has happened, we will still have a Merry Christmas. I still have two little boys and a husband here that deserve a great Christmas. Truman will just join us as he watches from Heaven.

Don't get me wrong, this is not at all how I pictured Christmas this year. I pictured Christmas morning with our overly excited two boys going crazy over everything and opening presents with Daddy while mommy and baby just snuggled on the couch and took it all in. Now I will be getting in on the crazy present-opening action, still thinking of my little dude Truman.

Life is just not how I pictured it but we are adjusting. Day by day I'm getting back into 'normal' life.

I really ache to hold my baby but know it just isn't supposed to be right now.
I miss him but I know he is doing the Lord's work right now.
I want to see him again but I know that wouldn't do me any good. I'd rather remember him the way I do.
I love him and I will always be his Mother.

Please remember that we really are celebrating the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Also, take a moment to remember all of our loved ones that are celebrating his birth with Him in Heaven.

Merry Christmas from our family to yours.

A month...already?

2009-12-23T09:46:00.002-05:00

I can not believe it has been a month. Wow. In the last month our lives changed forever and will never ever be the same. We miss our little Truman. It amazes me how one little boy that never took a breath in this world could change our world so much.

I am getting to a much better place in my grieving and I am back to what I would consider almost 'normal' as far as functioning day to day. I can go out in public without breaking down. I am doing a lot better physically. I see the doctor next week for my 6-week check-up.

I'm trying to make sure Christmas is merry for my boys, and that is helping take my mind off of things a bit. Not an hour goes by I don't think of Truman but I have gone a day without crying. For Christmas Brian got me a mother's ring with my three boys' birthstones. He also got me a necklace with their birthstones. I LOVE them. I am so grateful for the ring and the necklace, they are beautiful reminders of all three of my gorgeous boys.

Well, that's where I am now. It's hard but day by day I'm doing better.

Daddy's turn

2009-12-21T05:28:00.002-05:00

Hi blogging world. Most of you don't know me, but you know about me because of Devynn. That's kind of the way our relationship works. She's the social butterfly that is always making new friends. I'm the working husband that gets drug into relationships and I have to get along with the husband whether I want to or not, lol. Luckily, I can't recall a person Devynn has befriended that I don't get along with the husband. I'm a pretty easy-going guy.
This isn't about me, though. I want to tell you all what a wonderful woman Devynn is and how she has changed my life. Just over 9 years ago, she had the chance of a lifetime to study abroad in Jerusalem for her first semester of college. She would have spent the whole summer of 1999 in Israel touring around and fulfilling a dream she had. Or, she could have signed up with a small outdoor pageant that our church produced every summer in a little town in western Illinois called Nauvoo. As chance would have it, she chose the latter, and gave up a dream of studying in Jerusalem. Little did she know that she would meet a dashing young man that, although somewhat immature and carefree, would steal her heart away from her then-fiancee. I was scheduled to leave the country for 2 years to go to Armenia and serve a mission for our church in September, so the last thing on my mind was a girl.
The pageant was all of 2 weeks long, and we met a few days into production, so we had just under 2 weeks to get to know each other. Needless to say, we both felt some sort of connection then. She knew what a wonderful person I was and how handsome I was. I just knew she was a cute girl, and by far the cutest that had ever even given me the time of day, much less wanted to spend time with me. We joked how random it was that we even met, and how it would be funny if when I got home from my mission we hooked back up and got married.
Joke's on us now! I returned home from Armenia on August 22, 2001. She booked a plane ticket to come see me and was there for the Labor Day holiday (what a stalker!!). She was scheduled to go home on September 12, which, of course was the day after the infamous 9/11 strike.
To make a long story short, we were married in the Nauvoo temple (which had just been announced to be rebuilt when we met in 1999) in July 2002, were the first couple to be married in the newly completed temple, and have lived happily ever after since. The end.

Ahhh, but it's not the end. There's more to the story. Let me tell you about the woman I married. As I have said, I was pretty immature when we met, and still immature when we got married. However, that didn't deter Devynn from taking a chance on me. I think maybe she saw dollar signs when I told her I wanted to be a doctor, lol. As you know, I now work for McDonald's, so that didn't quite work out. But, I am on the road to owning my own some day, so maybe it's for the better. I wouldn't be the person I am today without the wonderful woman I have walking by my side. Or should I say pushing me from behind. I am stubborn and sometimes lack the motivation to do what I need to do. Devynn doesn't let me fail. She stands behind me every step of the way, helps me to become better, and lets me know how I'm doing. She encourages me and pushes me to test my limits. When I feel like I can't do it anymore, she reminds me that I am doing it for her and for our children. When I need a spiritual shot in the arm. She is my strength and rock. She is my fountain for guidance and spirituality. Without her, I am nothing.
Having gone through the loss of our little Truman, my heart has been ripped out of my chest. We both have lost brothers in the past, so we know what loss is. However, nothing can prepare you for the loss of a child. How blessed I am to have a wife that believes the same things I do, no, that KNOWS the same things I KNOW. I have watched her during this ordeal, and been amazed and astounded at the strength and resilience this woman has. I know she hates hearing how strong a person she is, but it is true. Through this experience, we both feel strongly we will be able to help someone else with something. We don't know what, but it is preparing us for something.
We will keep having children. We will keep loving them. We will keep loving each other. And I will continue to worship the ground this saint-of-a-wife of mine walks on. I love her so much. I am not sure she knows how much I absolutely adore her and admire her; how much I look up to her. I wish I could be the person she knows I can be. I try every day, but feel like I fail to live up to the type of person that deserves such a wonderful woman. But, thankfully, she sticks with me and continues to shape and mold me. Eventually, through her efforts, I will become someone deserving of such a beautiful angel. Until then, I'll just keep loving and plugging away.
Brian

Where I am at right now...

2009-12-17T19:47:00.004-05:00

Well, it was about 3.5 weeks ago that ours lives changed forever. That doesn't seem like that much time at all yet seems like it was an eternity ago. In the last 3.5 weeks I have had the opportunity to read some fabulous books on mourning the loss of children. I have learned a lot through those books and through what I myself am going through.

I drove by the hospital where this happened today. I burst into tears. I had had a pretty good day until then. When I walked into that hospital on November 22nd I wouldn't have thought in a million years I would have left with my life changed the way it was. Our lives have changed forever, both for the good and bad but mostly the good. I think the normal, human, selfish side of me is what thinks it was bad. We still have another son. I am the mother to three boys. I just don't get one right here right now.

My arms are literally aching to hold him. I woke up last night just wanting to hold Truman. Honestly, even though it isn't a replacement for Truman, I am grateful I have little ones at home that love to be held by their mommy. I love snuggling Harrison and Sterling as I feel it somewhat fills that void of having a newborn in my arms. Every night when I check on the boys just before I go to bed I instinctively check in the nursery. I open the door out of habit and see that empty crib. I don't do this to torture myself. I just do this as if I'm saying goodnight to my little one in Heaven. Maybe that sounds weird. I guess it's part of the way I'm coping right now. We have set up my sewing/craft stuff in the nursery right now. The crib is still up and will stay up until there is another little one to go in it. For now it has Truman's blankets in it. After all, it is his crib right now.

I have always wanted a lot of children. I always pictured my house being a place of non-stop energy with little ones running under foot and a baby attached at my hip. That is the life I want. That vision has changed now. Now I am just grateful for what I have. I don't think much of what the future holds for our family as far as how many children we will have, now I think more of how wonderful my two boys here are and how I can't wait to see them grow. Part of me wants to be pregnant again soon...but a bigger part of me is absolutely terrified at the thought of being pregnant again. I can't do this again. I just can't. I am broken.

Okay, so this was another disjointed post, but that is my life right now. Again, writing is therapeutic for me and I guess this is my version of therapy for now.

Thank you again to everyone for your emails, phone calls, texts, cards and Facebook comments. I honestly don't know how I could go through this without knowing how loved we are.

My testimony is stronger than ever.

2009-12-15T22:22:00.000-05:00

For those not of the LDS (Mormon) faith, you may not agree with everything I'm saying in this post, but this is what I believe and know to be true. If you ever have any questions about my religion and what I know and believe, please don't hesitate to ask.

I never doubted that the Plan of Salvation was real. I believe it and always have. After losing Truman, I feel like I have exerienced a part of it that made it more real for me.

For those not LDS that are reading this, the Plan of Salvation is what we call pre-Earth life where we lived with Heavenly Father and Jesus, then we have Earth life, and then after we die we continue to live with others that have passed on. Here is a bit more info on it: here

I have no doubt that my little Truman is living with our Father in Heaven and Jesus right now. Truman was perfect. Even though he never took a breath outside of me, I know he got his little spirit and all God needed was for him to have a body and he did that, just not in the typical way we think of it. I was just a portal for God to work through. I know one day I will get to raise Truman. He will again be with us but now it is our job to live worthy of him. I know he is looking down on us and he is sad that we have to go through this. I know God has plans for him and that he was one of God's chosen children. He is perfect. He was blessed to not have to live in this awful sinful world. As badly as I want to hold Truman, I know this is God's plan and he has the whole picture, all I see is my life right this minute.

My testimony is stronger now than it ever has been. I don't feel that God hates me or that I'm paying for a past sin or anything like that. I see this as God's way of saying, You are a chosen daughter of mine. I know this is hard for you. I am helping you through this and I will not turn my back on you. Truman is in my care and he and I will be waiting with open arms for the day you return to us.

Don't get me wrong, this is still really hard. Do I want more than anything to hold my little Truman again? Do I wish I could have heard his little newborn cry? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. I will forever feel that there is a missing child in our lives but I know that one day we will all be together. Is this the hardest thing I've ever had to go through? Yes. Do I wish I could learn whatever lesson it is I have to learn from this trial some other way and still have the opportunity to raise my little Truman? Yes, more than anything.

One thing that Brian and I have said over and over to each other from the minute we found out we lost our little Truman is "Thank goodness for the Gospel." How would we get through this if we didn't KNOW we would once again see our little Truman? I don't know. I don't know how people make it through this without knowing what we do. And please note what I'm saying, I KNOW, not just believe. I KNOW with ever fiber of my being that I will see my son again and he will be mine forever.

How do I know this? I could tell you to go and read scripture. I could tell you to research it. The most important thing I can tell you to do is to get on your knees and talk to your Father in Heaven. He will tell you what you need to know. He has confirmed to me over the last three weeks what I know. I have spent more time in prayer in the last three weeks that I have in a long time.

One thing Brian said to me the day we found out Truman was gone was "Thank goodness we are sealed in the temple." Thank goodness. I don't just get my family "until death do us part" I get mine "for time and all eternity." Brian and I were sealed in the Nauvoo Temple seven and a half years ago. If you had told me seven and a half years ago we would have just buried our son, I wouldn't have believed you. I am amazed at how quickly life can change. I am still in shock that this has happened to us but I am grateful for the knowledge that all of our children will be ours forever. I can't imagine doing all of the hard work here on Earth that is required for families...only to find out after I pass through to the next life that all of that hard work didn't result in my family being with me forever. Don't worry, we believe people that didn't get the chance here on Earth will have the chance in the next life to be with their families forever.

Thank goodness I know that this is only for a brief time in my life. I am grateful that God made us as humans with the ability to grieve but eventually be able to move through life again. I'm in the early stages of grief. I'm still in shock and I'm staying away from people. I'm not ready to face the real world. What I am ready to do is to strengthen myself spiritually which I have had the opportunity to do and will continue to have that opportunity.

God will never give me more than I can handle. I have to remember that, especially now, as I feel my heart is literally going to break. I know he isn't doing this to punish me. I know this is for my good. Some how, some way, one day I will know why -- until that day I will enjoy the family I have and miss my little boy I don't get to raise here on Earth.

I am thankful for the knowledge God has given me. I know these things to be true.

Piece by piece

2009-12-15T08:57:00.003-05:00

Just over three weeks ago my life shattered into hundreds of pieces. The only pieces I've been able to pick up are mine, Brian's, Harrison's and Sterling's. The rest of the pieces I see as family and friends. I can't deal with those yet because my world has been rocked. I know it hurts some people when I don't respond to texts or phone calls or emails and I feel like I need to explain why.

From the several books I've read since this happened, I have learned that the first stage of grief is shock and isolation. I wouldn't say I'm over the shock at all, but it is becoming more real. I'm definitely in isolation. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't even answer texts. I don't care about anyone else right now except those four pieces of my life I've been able to pick up.

This not caring about anyone but my family goes totally against my nature. As people complain about their own life problems to me, honestly what goes through my head is "When should I tell them I don't care since my son just died?" I know that sounds awful and is SO not like me. It is SO against what I feel for people. I am a caring person but right now the only people I have energy to care for are my family. Caring for my family takes what little energy I have. I do love hearing about the good things that happen to people. I love those updates. I just have zero sympathy for anyone's problems right now.

Recovering from a C-section in the midst of all of this isn't easy either. Physically I'm doing a lot better but every once in a while I do something forgetting I had major surgery three weeks ago and I'm hurting again. Also, physically I do not want to go out in public because I still look three or four months pregnant. The LAST thing I need is someone asking me if I'm pregnant. I wear sweaters or layers and baggy shirts to hide it when I do go out. We live in Florida...layers? Not exactly comfortable. My milk is still coming in...do you know how hard that is emotionally to know I don't have a baby to nurse? My body is doing what it is supposed to now...but no baby to feed. It is a constant reminder right now of losing my baby.

I am not sleeping all that well either since I'm not really taking the drugs anymore. I woke up in the middle of the night last night and almost got up to go to the nursery thinking...it had been a long time since I heard the baby cry...shouldn't he be hungry by now? My rational self kept me in bed reminding me that there was no baby in the nursery to go and snuggle and feed. My irrational self wanted to run into the nursery and maybe...just maybe there would be my little Truman fast asleep in there.

I honestly hope this never happens to anyone else I know. I could never picture my life without Harrison or Sterling and now I have to live my life without one of my children. Just for a minute...put yourself in my shoes...imagine if you had never got to meet one of your children...but you knew they were yours. They were taken away before you ever heard their newborn cry. I promise you that imagining it isn't even close to what I'm feeling, but I hope it helps you understand a bit of what I'm going through. My heart is broken.

My world is a mess right now. I am a mess. I feel awful by not answering to people who are just reaching out to let me know they care. Please don't stop reaching out to me. Please understand right now I don't have the energy to respond. I just don't. I still love you all but right now my world has stopped but the rest of the world hasn't. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute is how I live. Going most of the day without breaking down into unstoppable tears is a good day for me.

*This wasn't intended to be aimed at anyone in particular. I get several texts, emails and phone calls every day that go unanswered by several people.*

If only...

2009-12-12T15:03:00.003-05:00

...life were as easy as my 3-year-old thinks it is.

Our conversation today:

"Mommy, are you sad about Baby Truman?"

"Yes, baby, mommy is having a sad day."

"Here, Mommy, you can have my Batman cape to help you stop crying. My cape will fix everything."

Oh, if only his little cape could fix everything...

What sweet little boys I have, all three of them.

They...

2009-12-09T21:19:00.002-05:00

They say "He's in a better place."
They are right...but I wanted to just see him alive for a moment.

They say "You will have more children."
They are right...but more children will never replace him.

They say "How are you doing?"
They don't want the true answer to that.

They say "Time heals all wounds."
They are wrong. Nothing will ever heal this. Time will help me work through this but never heal it.

They say "I know how you feel."
They weren't two weeks away from delivery with the hospital bag packed.

They say "At least you have your other children."
They don't know how much I loved him too.

They say "What can I do for you?"
They don't know how much a simple meal or card can help.

They say "God has plans for him."
They don't know what plans I had for him.

They just don't know...

No one knew...

2009-12-09T21:09:00.003-05:00

No one knew as I left the hospital two weeks ago I should have been leaving with a baby in my arms.
No one knew as I shopped on Thanksgiving day I was looking for warm clothes for my boys to go to their brother's funeral.
No one knew as we held a sign at the airport for my parents that said "Welcome Home Grandma & Grandpa Mission-buddies" that I wanted it to say "Thank you for coming to be with us as our son has just died and I don't know if I can do this without you."
No one knew as we were in the airport boarding our plane to Indiana we were going to bury our baby boy.
No one knew that when the plane landed my C-section incision hurt me.
No one knew as my two brothers and my sister boarded a plane in Canada it was to go to their nephew's funeral...they never even got to meet him.
No one knew that as we caravaned throughout the Indiana roads that we were all headed to a baby's funeral.
No one knew on the flight home today that I was crying because I had just buried my baby.

No one knew.

Kind of gives you a different perspective on people, doesn't it? You just never know what other people are going through...

We buried our son...

2009-12-09T20:40:00.002-05:00

...and it was harder than I imagined. Not that I had ever imagined this.

It was a cool crisp early winter day. There was a clear blue sky. The funeral home had offered us a tent for us to stand/sit under during the service. We were so grateful for that. The wind had a chill in it and the tent was welcomed. They tent was also heated. So into the tent we walked. Solemly one by one we entered. There was his little white casket. Smaller than I thought it would be, but how big did it need to be, he was just a tiny baby. It had a heart on the top that said "Loved and cherished." He is loved and cherished, my baby boy.

I sat down in the middle seat in front of my baby boy's casket. I cried. I cried more. People filed in by us one by one and hugged us and gave us their condolences. Many tears were shed. Many hugs given. All for a little boy that none of us ever got to feel hug us back. All for a little boy that would never shed a tear in this world. All for my baby boy, Truman.

We started with a prayer given by Brian's brother Cameron, Truman's uncle. It was a nice prayer and set the tone of the service. Then Brian's sister Janet gave a thought on the Plan of Salvation. We know we will see our baby boy again. It was beautiful. My nieces Justine and Reagan, Truman's cousins, sang "Families Can Be Together Forever."

"I have a family here on earth. They are so good to me.
I want to share my life with them through all eternity.
Families can be together forever, though Heavenly Father's plan.
I always want to be with my own family, And the Lord has shown me how I can.
The Lord has shown me how I can."

Then Brian read a letter he wrote to Truman. I don't know how he did it, because I couldn't have done it. It was beautiful and I think really spoke to how amazing of a Father Brian is.
Following Brian's letter my brother Patrick dedicated the grave. We believe this is like a blessing over the grave and it is important to us to do. My nephew Eric then played "Amazing Grace" on the bagpipes.

It was a simple service. After everyone had left, Brian and I had some moments alone with Truman. Time stood still. Outside the tent I could hear my little Sterling crying for daddy. It was tearing my heart apart to leave my little Truman who I would never hear cry for his daddy or to go and run to my little Sterling who wanted us because he just wasn't sure what was going on. Neither of us wanted to leave but had two little boys that remind us every day of why we live.

So we headed outside the tent and we had two white balloons for the boys to let go up to baby Truman. They each let their balloon go...up we watched them go until we couldn't see them anymore. This will be our annual tradition to help us remember our little Truman.

I pray every day that I will have the strength to get through this for there are times I feel my heart will literally break. Burying my son was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

This sucks.

2009-12-03T23:03:00.002-05:00

My sister and I decided that that is our family motto for what is going on right now. This sucks. When one of my brothers heard about our loss he just said "Well, that sucks." And it does. I'm a wreck tonight.

I've actually done pretty good since my parents got here. I even braved the nursery today with my mom. It was hard to go in there and see all of the diapers and wipes all ready organized. The crib will be empty for a long while now.

But tonight was really hard. We got the boys packed and ready to fly tomorrow. But when it came to packing my suitcase...I just wanted to throw up at the thought. I just don't know how I'm going to make it to Indiana. Brian and I talked about it tonight and I just kept saying, I don't want to go. I can't do this. I'm not strong enough. Why am I going to my son's funeral? This isn't fair. I shouldn't have to bury my son. I just wish I could have held him longer.

This is so weird to me. I'm very confused right now I guess. Originally we were supposed to be picking up my mother-in-law from the airport tomorrow to come and help us when the baby arrived (which was supposed to be on Monday). But now I'm flying out to Indiana so we can bury Truman? What? Writing helps me get out my thoughts and emotions but I'm so messed up inside right now I don't know that this will help.

I'm so glad my family will be around me to help me through this. I need them more than any of us know right now. Part of me wishes it was 10 years from now and I was looking back on this memory...but I know I need to work through this and grieve. I don't want to but I know I need to.

I hate that I'm smart enough to listen to my rational self because there are days that I would rather just stay in bed all day and cry and not get out of bed. I am grateful I have the two most gorgeous boys in the world that keep me from doing that. Part of me just wants to be depressed. Don't get me wrong, I'm really sad. I'm beyond sad. But I know I can't just sit and mope around all day. I cry when I need to cry. I sob when I need to sob. But I let myself laugh when I can and play when I can with the boys. It's hard to find a balance...I haven't found the balance yet but I will.

My parents are here and I am SO grateful that they are. I don't know what I would do without them, especially during this.

Anyway, totally confusing blog post. Welcome to my life.

We fly out in the morning to Indiana. I'm still in a lot of pain physically, but I'm doing so much better. Flying so soon after a C-section probably isn't the best idea, but we had to do what we had to do and I have the doctor's clearance to fly. I also need the funeral to happen so I can continue and work through the grieving process...but I really don't want to.

This sucks.

A week ago my life changed forever...

2009-11-29T11:08:00.003-05:00

I'm sure there are many wondering how this all happened. I think it will be good for me to get it all out and write about it.

Last Saturday Brian and the boys and I went to the mall and made a Build-A-Bear for the baby. We did the same thing when we were expecting Sterling. So we thought it would be fun for the boys to do for this baby. Then we went out for dinner at Olive Garden. While we were eating dinner I got some really strong contractions. Since I have had contractions most of my pregnancy, I just figured they were more practice contractions. We went home and went to bed.

Sunday morning Sterling woke us up around 6:30 and as I was kind of starting to wake up it kind of hit me that I hadn't felt the baby move in a while. So I stood up, drank cold water, had a snack, took a bath, did everything they say to do to wake up the baby if he/she is just sleeping. Nothing worked. I can usually just push on the baby and he/she will wake up. Well, nothing. So I called the dr on call and he said to come into the hospital. We made arrangements for Brian's cousin and his wife to take the kids while we went to the hospital. Some of you may remember that we had a scare when we were expecting Harrison.

So we got the kids dropped off and headed to the hospital. I got checked in while Brian parked the car and when I got into triage he was already waiting there for me. They had me lay down and the nurse tried to find the heartbeat. With as large of babies as I have, it has NEVER been an issue to find a heartbeat immediately. She couldn't find the heartbeat right away. She called for another nurse to try. They had me lay on my side, then the other. By then Brian and I knew. We just knew. We both started to cry. Our biggest fear was about to be confirmed by ultrasound. The ultrasound tech came in and tried as well. She showed what should have been a heartbeat, but it was just a flatline. It was then that Brian and I both lost it. We were both hysterical. They quickly wheeled me into our private room and it was there we just held each other and cried. Brian just kept saying "I'm sorry, baby." "I'm so sorry." And we just cried and cried. The nurses gave us some time to absorb the news. We were both a wreck.

And then the doctor came in and did a second ultrasound to confirm. It was then that I saw on the ultrasound the spot on the ultrasound where the baby's heart should be beating and there was nothing. He confirmed for sure that our baby was no longer alive.

He then sat and explained our choices to us. We could do a VBAC (vaginal birth after C-section) or do another C-section. He said the risks to me were less if we did a VBAC. I didn't really want to be in labor for hours on end but if it was supposed to be safer for me then that is what we wanted. The thought of another C-section wasn't exactly what I wanted either. So we chose the VBAC. While they were getting everything ready for that it was then that the nurse sat down and asked us a kajillion questions and it was then that she told us we would have to make funeral arrangements too since the baby was full term. WHAT? That hit us both like a brick wall. A funeral? What? That still hasn't quite set in and I don't think it will until the actual funeral.

So we called our parents. Brian called his parents first. He couldn't even get the words out, he just sobbed into the phone. And sobbed. Eventually he got out that the baby was gone. He was heartbroken. It was SO hard to see my strong husband so devastated. He then got off the phone and I called my parents. I told them we lost the baby and my dad just sobbed into the phone, "No, Dev. No, Dev. Oh, no." I could hear my mom crying on the phone too. That was the hardest phone call ever to make. We did eventually call all of our siblings too, in between them getting labor started and all of the questions they had to ask. Brian's mom was supposed to come in about a week and a half and Brian texted his mom to see if she could maybe come sometime this week to help us with the boys. A few minutes later he got a phone call from his dad that their car was packed and they would be on the road soon and should arrive at the hospital around 11 that night. (They live in North Carolina). Thank GOODNESS they came.

So they started pitocin (sp?) at noon. I was already 1 cm and having contractions on my own. The dr said those were good signs and hoped labor would go quickly. I labored and labored and labored...until finall around 7 p.m. the nurse came in and checked me...I hadn't dialated at all. My contractions were 2 mins apart and had been most of the day. Nothing. So the dr came in and talked to us and decided at 10 p.m. they would take me off the pitocin and let me get up, walk around, shower, eat (I hadn't eaten since 7 p.m. the night before) and then at midnight they would start everything up again. This worked out good because my in-laws showed up while I wasn't laboring anymore. So I showered, ate, and midnight came and went. I kept calling for my nurse, I wanted to get this over with. FINALLY at 2:30 a.m. they started my pitocin again. I guess there was an emergency in the OR and all of the nurses were there. So Brian and I had decided that if I hadn't dialated by 7 or 8 a.m. that we would ask for the C-section. The dr had told me all along that as soon as I said C-section they would let me have one.

So I labored hard and long all morning until 7:00 a.m. when the nurse came in to check me. I hadn't dialated at all. I was done laboring. It was time for a C-section. I had had a morphine drip but had hardly used it, all it did was make me feel high and didn't take the edge off of the contractions at all and I hate that feeling so it was useless.

So we asked for a C-section. There was a C-section scheduled for 7:30, one for 8:30 and then we would be up for 9:30. After they took me off the pitocin and I was just waiting for the C-section my dr that I regularly see came in. She had heard the night before. She was devastated. She cried, I cried. She was just as confused as the rest of us as to why this was happening. I had just seen her on Monday for a regular check-up and we had heard the heartbeat and everything seemed fine. Bless her heart, she re-arranged all of her patients for the morning and came in and did the C-section. That meant a lot to me. She is the only dr I have seen my whole pregnancy so we had a bond.

So they finally got me in for the C-section at 10:30ish...I think. I'm still a bit confused on the timing here. It was a big whirlwind of events. My anesthesiologist was awesome -- I hardly felt the needle at all. Thank goodness. So they did the C-section and the nurse that was going to be with the baby asked if we would want to see him/her right after he/she came out. I said yes and Brian said no. So the entire time I was nauseous and throwing up. I almost lost consciousness once. I totally felt like I was going to pass out. I was so sick. The same thing happened with Sterling. Once the baby was out...and the room was silent...no baby crying...I asked if it was a boy or a girl. The anesthesiologist told me it was a boy. Then the nurse brought him over for me to see. Brian couldn't look. She asked if I wanted him on my chest, but I didn't. I just needed to see him. While I was looking at him, I knew his name should be Truman. He just looked like a Truman. So she took him away, weighed him, cleaned him up a bit and put him in his outfit our cousin had brought for us to put him in. Brian and I sobbed and cried together. It was very difficult. I then decided that his name should be Truman Virgil after my grandfather Virgil. Brian kept saying "I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this." It was very difficult to go through the C-section knowing I was not getting to keep my baby out of it all. They finished the C-section and my room was very close to the OR so they took me to my room.

My in-laws were there right away. I was still throwing up so they had to give me a shot to stop it. Then they brought in Truman. They gave him to me. When we first found out we had lost Truman they kept asking me if I wanted to hold him after he was delivered and I said no, but as time went on I changed my mind. I got to hold him. He was perfect. I expected him to open his eyes or cry or move...do anything. He was my perfect little angel. I didn't want to let go of him. I was nauseous so I handed him to Brian. Brian held him all of 20 seconds and that was it. He just couldn't do it. When Brian hugged his dad he totally lost it. We all lost it. Our little Truman was in our arms...but he was gone. My in-laws held him. Then I needed him back. I needed to hold him. He was my son. My baby boy. I cried so hard I cried my contacts out. He was gone. He went into his bassinet in the room and was in our room for a while until the boys came to the hospital. I didn't want them to see him so the nurse took Truman out so I could see my boys. I SO badly needed to hold my boys. Oh, how I had missed them. It was so good to see them, but hard to know at the same time their little brother was gone. Harrison had lots of questions and still does. He knew mommy was going to have a baby. He knew when Grandma and Grandpa got there and mommy went to the hospital that I was going to have a baby. We told him that Truman went to live with Jesus. He was a confused because I still looked pregnant so he thought the baby was still in my tummy. He gets it now.

So the boys went back to Brian's cousin' house. And then they brought Truman back for me to hold. I just needed him. That was the last time I held my precious Truman. Of course looking back now I wish I had held him longer. No time would have been long enough.

Then I spent the next few days in the hospital recovering from the C-section. I had the C-section on Monday and went home on Wednesday. I'm still moving slow. Emotionally I'm still torn up inside.

Physically I'm doing okay. I'm recovering pretty well. It hurts. Stairs are hard. I know when I haven't taken my medicine in a while -- it really hurts. Nothing compares to how heartbroken I am right now.

I know I will see my Truman again. I know Heavenly Father needed him more than I did. I am grateful for the 8.5 months I had to have him inside me and get to know him. I am grateful for how much stronger this had made my relationship with Brian. We were already a close couple but this has bound us tighter together. I am grateful for my two gorgeous boys. I am grateful for their smiles and giggles. I am grateful I have them. I am grateful for my family and my in-laws. We wouldn't have made it through this week without them. I knew I didn't have to worry about the boys all week.

Right now he is in heaven and was welcomed by uncles and great-grandparents. I will see him one day. I am grateful for the knowledge I have that families can be together forever. When I cross over the veil from this life to the next I know my Truman will be there to welcome me with open arms.

It doesn't seem real.

2009-11-28T16:48:00.003-05:00

I still feel like this isn't happening to us. It's like I heard a really bad story that happened to a good friend. No, it's me. I thought maybe it would start to get easier. I think it's getting worse. I think it will get a lot worse before it gets better.

I didn't want to come home but I didn't want to stay in the hospital. I didn't want to come home to a home that was ready to welcome a new baby. I didn't want to stay in the hospital and be away from my family any longer.

Being home has been good but there is someone missing. I love hearing my boys playing and laughing and just being kids but I think in the background I should hear a newborn's cries and coos.

The nights are SO hard. I'm up every 4 hours but it isn't to nurse a newborn or change a diaper, it's to take medicine so I don't feel the pain of the surgery.

I had to have a C-section and now I have the long recovery of that and no baby. This is never how I pictured my life.

I am on a roller coaster. One minute I'm enjoying the giggles of my boys and the next I'm crying over the thought of not ever hearing Truman giggle in this life. One minute I'm snuggling my boys and kissing them goodnight and the next thing I know I'm in tears over wishing I had given Truman one more snuggle.

The funeral is going to be so difficult. I don't even want to think about it. Thankfully I will have almost all of my siblings there and my parents. So sad. We are planning the funeral right now. Why am I planning my son's funeral when I should be planning his baby shower?

I don't want to say why me...I'm not looking for pity...but....

why me?

Empty.

2009-11-24T01:21:00.004-05:00

There are flowers all around my hospital room.
They will die too.

Lots of emails, texts and Facebok messages to see how we are doing.
It is mindless clicking to respond. The room is quiet.

I have IVs hooked up, pain meds in me.
Nothing can take away this pain...ever.

I keep hearing the same comment that I'm the strongest woman people know and I will make it through this.
I don't want to be strong. I want to curl up in my daddy's arms and cry.

There is crying in the middle of the night, several times.
From me.

I want to know why.
But I don't really want to.

I KNOW everything happens for a reason.
No reason will make this easier.

I got to hold him in my arms and touch his little hand.
It was surreal. I wanted him so badly to 'wake up'.

I wake up several times a night wondering what I did wrong.
Then I remember that he must have done something right for our Father in Heaven to need him back so quickly.

Making phone calls to people that are expecting a phone call about my new baby was hard.
This wasn't the phone call anyone wanted to get.

He looks just like his big brother Sterling.
Now he is watching over his family.

He is watching over us along with his namesake.
My grandfather Virgil was a strong man loved by many.

Hearing the two most important men in my life cry is almost impossible to bear.
My Dad and Brian.

It doesn't matter what people say.
He is gone.

I had to say good-bye...before I got to say hello.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Truman Virgil Bohn
9 lbs, 11 ounces
21 inches
Stillborn November 23rd, 2009

No one else...

2009-11-20T13:02:00.002-05:00

The other day I was thinking to myself, I wouldn't want to do this (meaning life) with anyone else. Brian and I get each other (most of the time).

We LOVE to laugh together.

We love life together.

We parent together (yes, this is a team sport).

We are raising our children in faith together.

We are blessed to have each other, but I definitely got the better end of that deal!

We share the same values and views on life.

He is my rock.

He is my angel when I've had an awful day and he knows just what to do without me asking.

He knows what to say to make me feel better.

He is spiritually amazing.

He is the best father.

He is an amazing husband.

He is my best friend.

He makes me laugh all the time.

He cherishes me and I know it.

He loves me and tells me every day.

He is the best example of what a man should be and what a husband and father should be for my children.

Every time we are about to welcome another new baby into our lives I feel so close to Brian. I am thankful for him and all he does. I hope he knows it. I tried to tell him this stuff the other night, but it comes out so sappy it makes us both laugh.

Thank you, babe, for being you and loving me.

PS > This picture was taken by my fabulous friend Tristine :)

So much to do!

2009-11-20T12:44:00.003-05:00

I need to do SO much before this baby gets here! I just have zero energy. Actually, if it was possible to have less than that I would have that.

I'm in nesting mode and I feel like a bystander. Poor Brian! The other night I said, "I want to rearrange our bedroom furniture." Yes, this was late at night. He compromised and we decided to reorganize a different night. Our room looks SO much better now and it flows easier. Still not 100% sure where we will put the playpen/bassinet in our room while the in-laws are here and sleeping in the nursery.

I am stocked up on diapers (thanks to a STELLAR diaper deal I got at Kmart a few months ago) and wipes (thanks to an AWESOME Target deal I got last week!).

I still need to empty the dresser in the nursery and box up the clothes and get out the baby neutral clothes that I have and the newborn boy and girl clothes just in case!

I need to pack the hospital bag. Isn't it funny...with Harrison the hospital bag was packed and his carseat was in the car 2 months early? Now we are 17 days away and nothing. Soooo funny!

I need to make burp cloths -- I have TONS of flannel I bought for a Christmas project last year and didn't end up making.

I need to finish two albums for work.

I just need to organize a LOT of stuff in this house!

Okay...if I keep going I may start to cry LOL.

On a happier note? I can't wait to meet this little one! I am already in love and I don't even know if it is a boy or girl :) I think I'm REALLY looking forward to the two hours that Brian and I have before the C-section where they just hook you up to the monitors and you await the C-section. I am looking forward to that a lot, just the two of us. I'm already anticipating the tears that will be shed on the way to the hospital, though, since I won't be home with my boys. It's not my first night away from them, but it is still hard nonetheless. At least I know they will be in good hands :) Grandma and grandpa's that is!

Speaking of Grandmas and Grandpas. I'm SO glad that my in-laws will be able to stay with us for a little bit after the baby gets here -- I don't know how I would do it otherwise! Thankfully we will have Grandma Kay, Grandpa Perry & Auntie Janet. My parents are on their mission so they won't get to meet this little on until August :( I'm just kind of ignoring this since I'll start to cry like the baby I am without my mom here with me. Having a baby is just one of those things you need your mommy for. I'm tearing up just thinking about it, so I have to stop writing about it.

I kind of think Sterling is starting to anticipate a change since he has become REALLY whiney lately...totally not like him. He is whiney and throws tantrums like I have never seen. I'm sure he will transition just fine into being a big brother but oh, his little world will be rocked!

Harrison is so excited to be a big brother again. EVERYWHERE we go he tells people "My mommy is having a baby." And if they ask if it is a boy or a girl and I tell them I dont' know Harrison pipes up "It's a girl baby!" He is SURE it is a girl. If you ask him why it is a girl baby his response is, "Because we don't have one." That's a good answer, don't you think? When I ask him, "What if it is a boy baby?" He says, "It's not; it's a girl."

Anyway, I have to save Brian for a whole other post :) Lots to do.

And some new pictures since I haven't posted any in ages! My awesome friend Tristine took these last week :)

I'm not sure what to do...

2009-11-10T14:36:00.003-05:00

Okay, here is the problem -- and I'm sure there are some of you that won't see it as a problem -- Harrison likes to pretend play that he is playing with guns. Yes, I'm sure it is a typical boy thing but I have a BIG problem with it. I have problems with guns. I'm not okay with them. I freak out when I see one unless it is on a cop.

I do not like that Harrison pretends things are guns. We don't have toy guns. I refuse to have them in the house. We do not have any shooting games on the Wii. We play every Thursday at a friend's house and they have play guns. It is so hard for Harrison to say he isn't allowed to play with them but he does a pretty good job of not playing with them. I've told the mom that I don't let Harrison play with guns but she just shrugs it off as no big deal.

What I'm not sure is really just how to deal with this. Am I being crazy? I am overreacting? Should I let him pretend things are guns? He didn't REALLY get into it until we started going to playdates at our friend's house. And now he says things like "I'm going to kill you." "I'm going to shoot you." Hearing that come out of his mouth makes me want to cry. I know he doesn't KNOW what he is saying but still...

I've always been freaked out around guns. Yes, I have shot a gun before. It freaks me out. Most of my readers probably don't know I had a brother commit suicide in 2000 and he used a gun. That is where this stems from.

This is a DAILY battle. I'm sure he does it more because he knows I can't stand it. We have tried talking to him about it and telling him it makes mommy sad when he does it but he still does it.

Today he was pretend shooting Sterling and I LOST it. I don't believe in spanking. I have only spanked Harrison once before. Well, today I spanked him again -- battling violence with violence? Now that makes sense. I know I'm at my wit's end right now with this since I spanked him and that's NOT like me.

I am totally lost. I have no idea what to do. Help? If I'm just overreacting and I need to put my big girl panties on, tell me. I'm just totally lost and confused and it makes me sad.

The countdown is REALLY on!

2009-11-07T07:58:00.003-05:00

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! One month from today I'll be having the baby! In fact, EXACTLY a month from right now he/she should be being delivered! I can't wait!

I have two more photo shoots left. I am VERY uncomfortable and to that get-the-baby-out-of-me stage :) I have no idea how I'm going to do two more shoots, but I have to.

Can't wait!

On my soapbox...

2009-11-04T08:53:00.003-05:00

Let me get this straight: We pay taxes. Our taxes go to government programs to help those in 'need'. If that's the case, then why are those in 'need' driving nicer cars than me and living in nicer homes than me and have nicer houses than me?

Dear, Government,

Please let ME decide where my donations to those in 'need' will go. Give me back that money I'm paying out of taxes and I will decide who deserves it because you obviously have total disregard for accountability to where this money is going. I work harder for my money than you do, Government, so I think I should decide where my hard-earned money goes.

Signed,

Frustrated and frugal me.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So this obviously stems from something. Brian and I have finally decided that we don't NEED iPhones. We sold the phones, got out of our contract with AT&T and got VERY basic free phones with our new phone company and that subsequently cut our bill in half. WOO HOO. Do I REALLY miss having the phone? Yes, I do. I miss having instant access to my email and the interent, but I have decided to put my big girl panties on and deal with it. And, yes, we have thought about getting rid of my phone altogether, but I am running a business with it so I can't and we also don't have a house phone.

I have been couponing like a crazy lady, as you know, over the last few months in an effort to save this family some money. I have also cut our grocery/toiletries bill in close to half.

I'm looking at our health insurance next because we KNOW McDs is ripping us off in that department. I just didn't KNOW it until recently and I'm not changing with a new baby here in a few weeks. So come the new year hopefully that will help too.

Okay, back to where this stems from. It has come to my attention that SEVERAL women I know down here and in other states are on government assistance, WIC specifically. I was SHOCKED to find out about some of them, not so shocked by others. Let me say this: if you NEED it then use it. Just because it is 'free' doesn't mean you NEED it. IT ISN'T FREE TO THE REST OF US PAYING TAXES SO YOU CAN FEED YOUR FAMILY. Brian and I totally qualify for WIC. I checked out the requirements...WAY too lax if you ask me. We don't make a ton of money BUT I can tell you where EVERY hard-earned penny goes. And the difference is I'm TRYING to cut back. I'm not taking an easy run because it is there to the govt and jumping on the WIC bandwagon.

Why is this okay? Why isn't this a problem for people? WHY? WHY? Why aren't we holding people accountable for their spending habits BEFORE they are approved for WIC and other govt programs? Should you have assets such as house(s) and car(s) and get govt help? Maybe you need to sell your car and get one that isn't as nice, your insurance will go down and your payments would be less and maybe you can afford food. Is your cell phone the newest? Maybe you could downgrade? Are you only using the govt to sock away extra money because you can? Well, I don't agree with that either. Learn to live within YOUR means, not the government's.

Sorry, I'm REALLY not trying to sound all high and mighty, but this really ticks me off. I guess my point is: people should be held ACCOUNTABLE for their spending habits before MY hard-earned money goes to help them buy food.

Once again, if you NEED it, I get that. I totally get that.

Dispute away...because I know you will!

Baby Countdown is on!

2009-10-22T15:06:00.003-04:00

Ahhh...I saw the doctor today. All is well for baby. I guess I'm the talk of the office with my giant baby :) We have set the delivery date of December 7th! Can't wait! The official countdown is on. I have an appointment with the doctor in 2 weeks and then I go every week after that -- WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?????? CRAZY!

I am in big time nesting mode! Brian is nesting too and I think it's the cutest thing in the world :) He is funny!

That's it on the baby front!

What's free at Target this week?

2009-10-20T21:05:00.003-04:00

Check out this awesome deal thanks to STL Mommy! I just got 8 bags :) We wouldn't ever buy Chex Mix as I think it's a waste of money to buy snacks like that and we don't need them, BUT for free? BRING. IT. ON.

http://www.stlmommy.com/2009/10/free-chex-mix-at-target.html

Note: We did have to go to the customer service desk with the Walgreens flyer in hand, but it was fine.

I hit my goal! And some tips for shopping with the kiddos.

2009-10-15T09:04:00.004-04:00

My goal with all of my couponing has been to see if I can get our family bills for groceries, diapers and necessities down to $250. That is $62.50/person. My original plan was $200 but I just don't think that is going to work with the amount of diapers I will be buying.

This includes all food, toiletries, diapers, the type of stuff you would go to Wal-Mart, Publix, CVS, Walgreens for.

Our month runs the 21st-21st since that is pay day. So this month from September 21st to today's date I have spent$197.47!!!!!! I'm still $53 under my budget and six days to go! I've spent $197.47 and saved $309!

I plan to hit Publix and the farmer's market and Walgreens still this week, but I'll come out under my $50 for sure. I usually spend about $15 at the Farmer's Market, I plan on spending about $10-15 at Walgreens and my Publix shopping is very minimal this week.

**Note, this does NOT include the diaper deal I got from Kmart this month (1,200 diapers for roughly $97.) That comes from money that was set aside for getting ready for this baby)**

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Money seems tight for everyone. People often ask me, well, that's great that you are saving money, but I just don't have the time to organize all the coupons and figure it all out. Well, whether or not you have time is your choice. You can do this while you watch your favorite TV shows at night. I print my coupons throughout the day and evening when I'm at the computer. Every once in a while I'll glance through the blogs that I like to read and see what's up for great deals right now and print off coupons then. Then, when the kids are napping, that is when I organize my shopping trips.

You can't just cut all of your coupons and then take them to the store to maximize your coupons. You need to get everything organized and I print out my shopping list from here: http://www.ziplist.com organize my shopping list by store by department and then I set my coupons I know I'm going to use aside in my coupon binder by store. I take my whole binder with me to the store because you just never know what you will find on sale!

I also have moms tell me all the time, oh, I do all of my grocery shopping with my little ones during the day and I can't do this all with them. Yes, you can. I do about 75% of my grocery shopping, if not more, with the kids with me during the day. I do the rest either as a family or I just go at night if I have a LOT to do with coupons and I know I'll be gone a while and the kids wouldn't last (or Brian ;) ). You just have to make this FUN for them! At Publix they always have coloring books at the front in their turnstyle with the flyers. If they don't have coloring books either bring your own or let the kids color the flyer. MAKE IT FUN! So I take crayons and they color. Harrison likes to play matchers and try to find stuff in the flyer on the shelves.

Also, Harrison is in charge of my coupon binder :) He carries it into the store for me and I hand him coupons when I'm looking for that particular product. You just have to think ahead before you go with the little ones, but it is totally doable.

Another key to this is to make sure you are super organized before you get to the store so that you aren't wasting time wandering around with the kids. Make it quick so they don't have to be there longer than necessary.

I hope this helps!

Couponing still going...

2009-10-15T08:31:00.002-04:00

My printer has been out of black ink for almost a week now and it is KILILNG me. I'm waiting for some good deals at Walgreens so I can use my Register Rewards to get my ink cartridge refilled LOL. BUT I'm having trouble printing the coupons to use, so it's not really working. I am still saving tons and tons and I am determined that this family's food budget is going to be much lower than our average which is $450. I'm about to calculate this month's total so far (my month goes the 21st-21st since that's pay day). And I know I'm under the $450. I'm not including the big diaper deal since that goes into prepping for the new baby.

I am also so excited, if you go a few posts down, you will see that I posted some info on how my Canadian family and friends can get coupon deals! SO exciting!

I don't know if I'm just not a smart person or what but I was never able to figure out when people would say that they would base their family's meals for the week off what was on sale. I just didn't get it. I thought, how do you know what's on sale? I like to have a rough idea of what I'm going to make for the week, so if I don't know what's on sale, that won't work. DUH...now I know and the internet has obviously made that so much easier. I know what Publix is going to have on sale a few days before their sale starts so I can start collecting my coupons for those items and planning my meals :) I honestly can't tell you how dumb I feel for not having figured that out earlier!

Anyway, so exciting to still be saving money! I look back over the last few months and wonder how I so easily parted with money to buy groceries before and now, if I have to pay full price for something it KILLS me! For instance, the other day I had to run to the store quick to grab a few last-minute things and none of what I was purchasing I had coupons for -- it KILLED me to pay full price. I paid $28 and got two measily bags with stuff in them. Normally I can fill my cart for around that much! Poor Brian has to hear me whine about paying full price for stuff.

I'm going to do a mini coupon class for church at my house on Saturday. Only two people have signed up so far, and that's fine. I'm not going to be divulging all of my secrets I learned from www.couponclasses.com class, just giving a few tips. I feel like people should really pay the measily $20/class to take that class.

I just can't emphasize how great it feels to run out of something like hairspray or gel or contact solution or laundry soap, stuff I would buy anyway, and go to my stash and pull out something I paid pennies for if it wasn't free!

Last night I ran out of contact solution. I used to pay full price, $9.99 or $8.99 a bottle and I hated it but needed to pay that much, right? WRONG. I got them for $2.37/bottle a few weeks ago at Publix and I LOVE that I didn't have to run out the next day to buy some at full price, I had a bottle of the brand-name Renu that I always buy right there in my stash! Okay, I'm a total geek for getting into this, but it really is addicting.

Check out www.stlmommy.com right now for an awesome make-up deal on E.L.F. make-up :)

Baby News!

2009-10-15T08:28:00.002-04:00

The growth ultrasound was great, just a quick little peek to see how baby is growing. The baby was 5 lbs, 2 ounces and I have 8.5 weeks to go! Bring on another big baby! I'm starting to get really anxious to move onto having three kids. I know it's going to be tough, but I really can't wait!

Last night we started going through the nursery stuff and started to pull out the newborn stuff. I can't believe my boys EVER fit in some of those little clothes! It was so fun to look through them and reminisce about the boys as babies.

A new picture will be coming soon :)

Coupon Class!

2009-10-12T17:01:00.003-04:00

I held a coupon class in my home last night with the wonderful women from http://www.couponclasses.com . We had a blast and I hope everyone learned a lot! If you are in the south Florida area, you MUST attend a class to save you money! Check them out :) They are the reason I've saved over $1,500 since July :)

My life...

2009-10-12T16:06:00.003-04:00

Wow...as tired and exhausted as I am right now, I love my life.

Work: I couldn't ask for better clients. Since we moved to Florida my photography business has been busier than ever! Gorgeous clients in gorgeous locations = one happy photographer :) I am winding down the business in anticipation of the little one arriving and I love that my clients are actually going along with this and booking this month instead of finding another photographer closer to the holidays to do their pictures. It really means a lot to me. I am starting to have a bit of a rough time with just how big I am an manouvering around photo shoots, but my clients are all great and totaly understand.

Church: I teach the 12-15 year old Sunday School class and at first I thought wow...these kids are going to be awful. Boy was I WRONG! They are GREAT kids. Seriously great. Two of my girls in the class waddle with me to class every Sunday LOL. They are all full of questions and I love to answer them.

Family: Brian is amazing. I have the best husband EVER. I win, hands down! He naturally picks up my slack when I'm pregnant since I'm EXHAUSTED and seriously can hardly walk. I woke up on Sunday morning and the baby has definetly moved south because walking is KILLING me! Anyway, my family so rocks. Harrison is my little helper and he loves to organize the shoes so they aren't messy and he does pretty good at cleaning the toy room when I ask. He is so cute. He loves to help Sterling put on his shoes. ADORABLE!

My parents are doing great on their mission. We miss them a lot but they are doing so great I can deal with it ;)

The countdown is on until the baby gets here! I am not ready but I am. Just can't wait! The dr is sending me for a growth ultrasound tomorrow because I think we are all curious to see how big this baby is already with 8.5 weeks to go! Can't wait to see my baby again :)

I'm trying to make a more conserted effort to do 'school' with Harrison every day and he is LOVING the one-on-one with mommy. As soon as Sterling goes down for his nap we do school. It is great. Today we just learned a little song and made a craft to go along with it and did a few shapes. He's so cute and when we finish school he always thanks me for helping him get smart ;)

I don't know if there are any blog followers left out there, I hope so!

CANADIAN COUPONING!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-10-10T08:38:00.002-04:00

My cousin's wife over here http://www.cutelikeme.blogspot.com/ has been getting some awesome coupon deals up in the great white north! So I HAVE to share this info of course!

Save.ca - click on EVERY coupon to order, they will be mailed to you
brandsaver.ca - also click on EVERY coupon to order, they will also be mailed to yourightathome.ca - these print right from your computer
Sign up under yourself and as many friends and family as will let you so you can use their coupons too :D
Also watch for the p&g brandsaver flyer and track down as many as you can. The last one came out a few weeks ago, so if you can still track some of them down - perfect! :)

If you would like her information specifically for her to teach a class for you and your friends, email me info at dbimages dot ca and I'll put you in contact with her! She is based out of southern Alberta.

I'm SO excited to see my friends and family in Canada getting some good deals -- I remember the cost of toiletries and food up there!

Can't wait to hear about your deals :)

My name is Devynn...and I am a blogslacker.

2009-10-03T11:37:00.003-04:00

SORRY!

Okay, so couponing has taken over my life. That and kids and photography and a new baby on the way and Brian starting up a new business and life in genereal!

Sterling is 18 months old now! Can you believe it? My baby! We moved him into his big-boy bed two nights ago and the transition was seamless, same as when we moved Harrison in. No big deal for the kid. He's napping in there right now! He does love his sleep!

Harrison is loving learning right now and always asks me if we can do school today. He's so cute! I need to get some books and homeschool stuff for him soon.

We are starting to gear up for this new baby -- only 10 weeks left, and if I get to pick my C-section date it will be 9 weeks left! AHHHH! I really can't wait! I'm so excited for another baby. Harrison tells me all day how cute my baby is and the other day, I was feeling like I looked like a whale, which I do, and he said "Mama, you look SO cute in those clothes today." Awwww...sweety! Sterling has no clue what is about to rock his world with this new baby coming. It will be interesting to see how this all goes. Harrison is excited and everywhere we go tells EVERYONE that mommy is having a baby. We are working on Stranger Danger right now and trying to teach him we can't talk to strangers. There was a scary almost abduction story from a Target we shop at last week! SCARY!

Brian is working part-time with Primerica and is loving it. And doing well with it, which is nice too :) Just when I thought photography was winding down, family portrait sessions are picking up! I'm stopping shooting November 1st so it's almost over.

Still cooking and baking like a mad woman too -- I need to update the food blog today too.

That's all of the excitement for now! Off to watch General Conference :)

Surprise in the mail!

2009-09-26T14:55:00.003-04:00

I have signed up for so many freaking free offers I have totally forgotten about them. So I FINALLY got my mail this week (it was piling up) and what a GREAT surprise I found!

I got a free full-sized sample of eos (evolution of smooth) sweet mint lip balm.

It is awesome! Here is the site: http://www.evolutionofsmooth.com/

Here is the link to a $1 coupon for the product. The freebie sample deal is over but my lips are tingly right now :)

Free Cheesesticks -- LAST DAY!

2009-09-26T14:51:00.002-04:00

Free cheesesticks (like string cheese):

Go to this link: http://www.afullcup.com/target-coupon-generator

Find the $1/2 Market Pantry Cheese Produces (on the left-hand side second up from the bottom)

Print off as many as you want. Today I did 32 cheesesticks (I had 40 but gave the coupons to someone else in the store).

There are two free cheesesticks per coupon.

You do not get the overage, the coupon is adjusted in the register for $0.80.

ENJOY! These do freeze. I plan on using them in my cooking. My family LOVES them!

So much going on!

2009-09-21T14:30:00.003-04:00

Seriously, SO much going on!

I've started a Facebook couponing page. It should come up if you search Mommy is Crazy on Facebook.

I just can't get over how products I would have paid cash for I'm getting for free or almost free. That is boggling my mind! Harrison now knows he is in charge of carrying my coupon binder in and out of the car LOL.

On the baby front, I had a lady stop me today and tell me, oh, you're going to have that baby any day! I said, well, I don't think my dr would like me to deliver over two months early. She, of course, wouldn't believe me that I'm not due until mid December. I get asked EVERY day if the boys are twins and if I'm due any day. I need to make a shirt for me that says I'm not due to December so stop asking. And for the boys, shirts that say "We are not twins!"

Oh, and the phrase "Oh, you have your hands full..." I'm getting awfully sick of hearing. I counted. I heard it 13 times in one day. Oh my!

Harrison has a sty in his eye...poor dude. The dr wrote the prescription wrong, so the pharmacy has to contact her to get her to fax over the right rx. What a pain! So I haven't been able to give him an treatment for his eye. Thankfully his fever is gone!

I got to chat with my mom on Facebook last night :) I love that! I miss my parents a LOT. Like, a LOT. But, I know they are where they need to be, I just can't wait to see them next summer!

Well, that's about it. I need to take a picture this week, but I keep forgetting. New picture coming soon!

Tonight's Shopping Spree! $1.75 OOP Saved $71.59

2009-09-15T19:04:00.005-04:00

I didn't actually think this was possible unless Kmart was doing their double coupon days, but I did it!

How?

Target

10 Market Pantry Cheesesticks $0.40/each print coupon here for $1/2 (free, the recalculate for the overage) FREE
5 Degree trial size men's deodorants from RP 8/2 FREE
4 boxes of Kellogg's poptarts print coupon from here for $1/1 and stack with the $2/2 from the
RP 8/30

TOTALLY FREE for all of the above.

And thanks to my awesome friend Michelle, I got this awesome deal:

Publix

9 Glade Soy Candles $2.99 /each -- in the Publix flyer that came in the paper or is available at the store, there is a $3/1 Glade The Fragrance Collection candle. So I got the candles for free and only had to pay the tax of $1.75.

So in the end, I got:

9 candles
4 boxes of poptarts
10 cheesesticks
5 trial size deodorants

FOR FREE.

Shopaholic

2009-09-15T11:03:00.002-04:00

Anyone that knows me knows I'm a shopaholic. The last few years I have really calmed down in the amount I can shop.

Well, this couponing addiction has TOTALLY resparked that in me, but in a great way. I LOVE the challenge of seeing how much I can save or get for free. I LOVE that I'm saving SO much money on things my family needs.

Now, is there a part of me that wouldn't love to go clothes shopping on an unlimited budget (when I'm NOT prego lol)? Yes, there is. BUT do I know this is a much better way to get the shopaholic in me fed? YES!

Not sure if you are ready to attack couponing like I have? Start slow. You will become addicted in no time!

Baby Baby Baby

2009-09-14T16:00:00.002-04:00

Wow...I can't believe I'm in my third trimester! How did that happen? I'm definitely at the end part of being sore all over, tired non stop and just anxious to get this baby out! I'm not too anxious as I want to repaint the boys' room and the nursery (and all three bathrooms but Brian says no to that since he will actually be the one doing the work LOL).

As much pain as I'm in and as uncomfortable as I am, I wouldn't change it for the world. I LOVE feeling my little one kick me and roll around in there. I think it is his/her way of saying "Hi, Mom!" "I love you, Mommy!"

Right now as I type this I have a foot in my ribcage. But...I still love it!

I love babies!

In other news, Brian is starting out in Primerica again and totally loving it. We are SO thankful for our friends and family that don't mind him practicing on them. He passed his state life insurance exam in 30 minutes with flying colors. It is a 2.5 hour exam. He is SO natural at this. I watched him do his first kitchen table presentation last week and he was in his element. He GETS this stuff and nothing sounds rehearsed. He just gets it and loves it. What Primerica teaches is what EVERYONE needs to know.

My parents are still doing great on their mission. We miss them a LOT and I'm getting a bit anxious about the thought of not having my mom there when I have this new baby. My mother-in-law will be there to be with the boys, but there is just something about having your own mommy there.

I'm still totally addicted to couponing. ADDICTED. I overspent my budget this month as this was my first month trying to cut our budget down. I tried to cut it down to $200, but I didn't come close. Next month I will try harder. I know I can do it. We just had some other things come up this month that I wasn't totally expecting to buy but whatever, it is still great. I did not pay for milk at all this month, though :) Which we go through like crazy, so it was awesome. Thanks to CVS and their rockin' deals.

The boys are napping so I'm off to get some work done.

This might be essential to you...

2009-09-10T22:25:00.001-04:00

This is just a handy list from Publix as to some lower prices they have on essential products all the time.

http://specials.publix.com/?pagename=listpage&deptid=27053&title=Essential+Products

:)

Another fabulous new site!

2009-09-10T12:45:00.001-04:00

She is FREAKING hilarious! www.krazycouponlady.blogspot.com

I want the shirt on her site 'cause I'm a geek like that!

Here she gives you some great scenarios on how to get a ton of Fiber One products for super cheap. My family won't eat them, so I'm not going to do this, but if you can benefit from this, I'll be happy! Also, I have some of the coupons from the RP and SS and won't use them, if you want them.

http://krazycouponlady.blogspot.com/2009/09/krazy-fiber-one-deals-at-target-free.html

PUBLIX - All Laundry Soap $1.99

2009-09-10T10:24:00.002-04:00

The new Publix BOGOs are out!

Check out this deal:

http://specials.publix.com/index.aspx?pagename=moreinfo&zipcode=33415-3910&storeid=1033713&dssid=99b09b96-344a-48f7-acb4-c0db5e3657a9&fsid=ef2f7a13-4d08-4533-a839-db8af8894b35&uniqueid=19130043&circularid=15603

So it is $5.99/bottle of All laundry product.

Print two coupons from here:

http://www.all-laundry.com/

Use both coupons:

$5.99 - $2.00 = $3.99/2 or $1.99/each

TIP: I read this on STL Mommy the other day, while your print screen is up while you coupon is printing, hit the back space key twice and it will print twice -- it works! ENJOY!

Financial Quote for the day...

2009-09-08T23:25:00.001-04:00

We spend money we don't have
on things we don't need
to impress people we don't like.

Think about what you are spending YOUR hard-earned money on!

I believe a day I don't spend money is a great day!

Awesome new site!

2009-09-07T14:30:00.001-04:00

Check out this new fun site! www.vocalpoint.com Looks like fun!

Free Redbox code

2009-09-07T14:22:00.001-04:00

Check out my favorite www.stlmommy.com for an awesome Redbox code today only!

PUBLIX - Nature Valley Nut Clusters $1.50

2009-09-07T14:18:00.003-04:00

Publix has Nature Valley Nut Cluster granola cereal on for 2/$5.

Print your coupon from http://www.coupons.com/ for $1/1 Nature Valley Granola Nut Clusters (print 2)

$5/2 - $2 in coupons = $3/2 or $1.50 each!

We love granola but always find it pricey, so this is great!

NOTE: This deal starts on Thursday, but get your coupons now!

PUBLIX - General Mills Cheerios $1.52/box

2009-09-07T14:08:00.005-04:00

Publix has on BOGO this week General Mills Cereal. I have based this pricing off the most expensive box they will allow on BOGO which is $4.53.

Coupon to print from http://www.coupons.com/ (you will have to search through the food items to find the General Millks Cheerios coupon for $0.75/1. That link won't work now the print limit is reached: go to http://www.smartsource.com and you will find the coupon!

$4.53/2
Use two $0.75/1 coupons since you are getting two items
$3.03 total for two boxes makes them $1.52 each.

Awesome deal!

NOTE: This deal starts on Thursday, but get your coupons now!

CVS - Free Aussie Hair product

2009-09-07T14:03:00.002-04:00

Sunday, Monday & Tuesday this week, CVS has Aussie shampoo, conditioner 13.5 oz or styler 6-14 oz on for $2.99 with your CVS card. They will give you $2.00 back in CVS bucks, which means you are really only paying 99 cents! An even better deal??????? In the 8/23 Red Plum there was $1/1 Aussie hair product! That means you actually get it for free and have $2 still to spend! SCORE!

Now...if I could just put my hands on that 8/23 RP coupon...I know I clipped it...I remember seeing it, but it isn't with my other hair product coupons...I need to work on my organization.

Price $2.99
CVS $ back $2.00
Coupon -$1.00
OOP $1.99 (but you get $2.00 back in CVS bucks so it's free!)

Palm Beach Post...$2?

2009-09-07T14:00:00.003-04:00

The Sunday Palm Beach Post just went from $1.50 to $2 and the Sun Sentinel is soon to follow. UGH! Not a happy camper over here! BUT, I did talk to the Palm Beach Post the other day and they renewed my subscription for 99 cents a week (I only get the Sunday Paper) so I may order two since I almost always get at least two. I'm also going to contact the Sun Sentinel and see what deal they will make for me for delivery.

Just thought I would give you all the heads up! You should at least get one of each delivered so you know if you need to go out and get more that day. Just a thought to save more money!

TARGET - Store coupons

2009-09-04T23:39:00.003-04:00

The first time I ever used a store coupon and a manufacturer's coupon at the same time was at Target the other night!

I found this site: http://sites.target.com/site/en/supertarget/page.jsp?title=coupons_specials (bookmark this site and watch it for updates and print off what you want in case it changes the next week!) I also don't think there is a print limit to these.

At the time I printed my deal, there was a $1 off one box of General Mills cereal, it has now changed to $1/2 General Mills cereal.

And then on http://www.coupons.com/ there was a $0.75/1 box of Cheerios.

As it happened at Target Honey Nut Cheerios were on sale for $1.75. I used both coupons and VOILA, a free box of Honey Nut Cheerios!

Okay, sorry that I can't get current links to those deals, but again, I just wanted you to get thinking. I promise new posts will have current and available deals, but start thinking like a couponer!

CVS - 3 gallons of milk for $0.38???

2009-09-04T23:12:00.004-04:00

NOTE: This deal is not available this week, but there are others, I'm sure!

I just wanted to give you an idea of how coupon thinking works, because I have found it is a different thought process.

So I have JUST started learning about CVS and all it has to offer! (Note: you do have to have a CVS card, which is free, to get the deals).

I was flipping through the CVS flyer last week and I saw this deal for a Glade "The Fragrance Collection" big candle. You could purchase the candle for $6.99 BUT you get $6.99 back in CVS bucks. In my world that means free. So, when I saw the ad, I thought, dang, that's good! BUT I remembered seeing a coupon for that item somewhere...but I could NOT remember where! FINALLY after searching high and low, I found it in the Kmart coupon booklet that was in-store. I had SEVERAL here from all of my trips to Kmart recently. So I clipped the coupon and headed into CVS.

CVS price: $6.99
Coupon: -$2.00 click here

Out of pocke: $4.99
CVS bucks: $6.99

I got a free candle in the deal and had $6.99 in CVS bucks to use!

We have decided to buy our milk only from CVS due to these deals. It only make sense!

I had another CVS buck from buying milk the other day that they gave me plus the $6.99 in CVS bucks from the other day, so, I got three gallons of milk for $0.38. And then they gave me ANOTHER CVS buck.

It is seriously like they are paying me to shop there. The bucks do expire a month from the day you get them.

So that was a long explanation, but I just wanted to get you all thinking how I think about this. The next deals won't be explained as long.

Another hobby of mine!

2009-09-04T22:27:00.002-04:00

Lately I've been addicted to couponing! Sorry to my Canadian friends/readers, you won't be able to get these deals. They just don't exist in Canada as far as I'm aware. If anyone knows of a Canadian coupon blogger, please let me know!

I have saved my family SO much money by clipping coupons and I want to share it all. It all started with an email I got one evening from my favorite used toy website www.treasuresfortots.com. It sparked my interest as it was a debut class on how to save money by couponing. I had JUST started hear about people saving hundreds of dollars by doing this. I had to wonder how people were doing it. I had JUST started to get the Sunday paper delivered to me, so I was at least on the right track! My friend Michelle and I attended the class and left with our jaws dropped. A-MAZ-ING!!! We had no idea all of this information was out there! The class blog and schedules can be viewed here: www.couponclasses.com.

So we left the class inspired and excited to start saving money! We viewed it as just another way to keep us home with our kidlets.

So I started clipping coupons. I started going to blog after blog after blog after blog. I used Google more in the last few weeks than I have my whole life! I know there is great info out there, I just have to find it! I'm sure with the time investment I have spent so far it will pay off -- in fact, it already has!

So, I'm going to start this couponing fun with several of my favorite current links that will hopefully help you start or continue having fun with your couponing!

One note, you will need to download a coupon printer. You will find out how the first time you try to print a coupon. I do have troubles with mine once in a while and I have to uninstall and reinstall it, but it's quick and a must-have to do this.

www.stlmommy.com Kim updates more than once a day and she also lists freebies and all sorts of amazing information! Also, she is often around for the chat on her site if you have questions! Follow her on Facebook too for great links!

www.coupons.com This one updates everyone month with new great coupons! Print away!

www.redplum.com This is a mailer that comes in your Sunday paper, but they have a website you can print coupons from too! LOVE IT!

www.smartsource.com Also a Sunday paper mailer, and also printable coupons!

www.pgesaver.com Yup, you guessed it, another mailer, but this one only comes out once a month (tip: when this one comes out, buy more than one paper)

www.couponclippinmama.com She has great links too and I love the pictures with what she got and how she saved!

www.iheartcvs.com GREAT site for finding out the deals of the week!

www.fiddledeedeemom.com/ Another great blog, especially for us Southerners! Full of great info!

www.iheartpublix.blogspot.com A fellow SAHM who homeschools her kids who just loves Publix as I do! This is such a fabulous site and she lists the BOGO items ahead of them coming out -- LOVE that for planning my shopping trips!

www.livingwithinthelimits.blogspot.com She also has information other than coupon deals, such as deals on events and other things. Love it! And I love the title!

Okay, that's enough links for one day! I'm going to post another post about the stellar deal I got today!

If you use any of these sites and have found success, I would LOVE to know!

HAPPY COUPONING!!!!!!!!!!!

Free product give-away!!!! KIX!

2009-08-29T11:43:00.002-04:00

Hello, all! My favorite coupon blogger, STL Mommy, has a give away I'm trying to win! With her help, I have saved a ton! Here is the give away!

http://www.stlmommy.com/2009/08/honey-kix-review-and-giveaway.html

Please check her out and see all the fantastic info she has for all of us!

24 to 25 weeks with all three

2009-08-25T10:28:00.002-04:00

Kmart double coupon days!!!

2009-08-18T10:41:00.004-04:00

This week Kmart is running their double coupon special which means they will double the value of a coupon up to a $2 coupon, so up to $4. It took me HOURS to prepare for this (like 5) and then we shopped for two hours and we were in the check out for another hour but it was TOTALLY worth it.

My $20 coupon class has MORE than paid off! So yesterday my friend Michelle and I headed out to Kmart kid free with coupons in hand!

We now know what to do better as a system, but it was really fun. I also wasn't entirely sure what Kmart carries because I don't EVER shop there. I figured it was like Wal-Mart for the most part, and they are similar but don't carry the amount of products Wal-Mart does. Now I know what they carry.

My total value of stuff was $171.45 and I spent $58.03 which means I saved $113.42!!! Isn't that insane?

I got a bunch of free stuff too in that, laundry soap, two things of hair gel, hand soap, a candle, pantiliners, Visine, Peroxide and rubbing alcohol. There is likely more I just don't remember.

I love it! I won't need to do a shopping trip like this in quite a while! I am planning on hitting a few of the Publix BOGO items this week, but nothing major.

Okay, so here is how my brain works. Just on yesterday's coupon project alone, I figured it out that I made $14.13/hour if you calculate how many hours it took me to do all of this and how much I saved. I'd rather make $14.13/hour and stay at home with my gorgeous boys than go out somewhere to make $7/hour and pay a babysitter!

I wish I had known about all of these amazing deals when we moved here 2.5 years ago! Imagine how much I would have saved!

Anyway, I feel bad for my Canadian friends and family that just don't get deals anywhere NEAR this good. :(

Anyway, if you are a SAHM and AREN'T doing this...why not? In Dr. Laura's book "In Praise of Stay-at-Home-Moms" she hit the point home for me when she said that his (my husband)'s job is to go out and make money, your job is to save it. (DUH--that had never occurred to me...I'm special).

If you aren't a SAHM and think you have some extra time every week, why aren't you doing this? I have a bit of a system figured out now and it doesn't take me that long to figure out everything I need and how to get it for cheap. Thank goodness for Google and coupons.com. You can print a coupon for almost anything! LOVE IT!

My biggest problem right now is organization. My friend Michelle last night had MUCH better organization than I did. I may be copying her ;)

Anyway, LOVE IT! My new-found addiction. I guess I will get back to designing albums at night instead of couponing now that I have MORE than enough for my family.

Oh, and my goal in September is to spend $50 per family member a month on grocery/personal items. That is $200 for this family. I REALLY hope I'll be under that and I think I can do it! I'll keep you posted. For now, here's a picture of my steals from last night!

Almost 23 weeks!

2009-08-13T22:03:00.003-04:00

Almost 23 weeks and a new haircut! This was styled from the salon, so I haven't actually been able to do it myself yet, but it is SO much lighter!

Feeding your little ones...

2009-08-13T14:04:00.001-04:00

My friend posted on Facebook a question about feeding her 12-18-month old. I did post this a long time ago when Harrison was that age on my blog here: http://harrisonandmommy.wordpress.com/2007/06/06/weird-things/ and got great responses so I thought I'd try it again.

What are you feeding your kids for lunch? It seems we are always on the go and I'd love new ideas that I can share with my friend and feed my kidlets too!! Comment away!!

Wow...

2009-08-09T12:16:00.004-04:00

Why can't I make time for blogging on here? Just because I'm pregnant, have my own business and have toddlers, doesn't mean I shouldn't be able to do this! Ugh.

I'm SO far behind!

Harrison's 3rd birthday didn't go as planned because he got sick and we couldn't have his party with all of this friends :( Two years in a row he has missed out :( I think I might have to start doing what Marie does and do half birthday parties too so that he has a better chance at getting SOME party LOL. I can't find the pictures of his bday party that we did have for him right now. Sorry! They weren't very exciting. I will find them for one post, I promise!

My new found love is couponing. Who in a million years would have EVER guessed that I would get into couponing? The picture below, I got everything for $65. Crazy! I have cut our grocery bill into at least half!

The summer is FLYING by. I didn't get Harrison into swimming lessons :( I'm REALLY sad about that. It just seemed crazy and I kept putting it off and now the summer is almost over. Considering where we live, I should be able to find something to put him in.

Sterling is FINALLY saying words LOL. We thought maybe he'd never talk! He is into the puppy right now and calls dogs pup-pup. Cute!

I have been working a lot lately on all of the weddings I just shot. I did manage in the midst of all of this craziness that is my life to get my work website updated! There are a few things I need to still work on (you'll see 'details' tabs on the pics and they are to be removed) behind the scenes, but you get the idea. http://www.dbimages.ca/ My work blog gets updated frequently http://www.dbimagesblog.wordpress.com/

Also, in other news, a few months ago it was looking like I was going to have to get a part-time job. We are having a hard time making ends meet. My photography is sporadic, so we don't rely on it. I was NOT looking forward to this. Brian wasn't looking forward to it either. Well, the opportunity came up for us to work with Primerica again and we are both VERY excited about it. I was an agent when we lived in Canada. I had JUST passed my life insurance exam when we moved to Florida. That all got put on the back burner since I couldn't work and Brian was settling into McDs. He is still working hard with McDs but we need extra income so he is doing Primerica. We love it! It is something we have tossed around the entire 7 years we have been married and now we are going to do it again.

Primerica helps families become finanical independent. We teach you how to put money where it should be, protect yourselves and save for retirement and your kids' education. Brian is actually in his life insurance class right now as I write this. I have an uncle who has been in Primerica for YEARS and has done VERY well for himself. It is a great company and I'm really looking forward to this.

McDs is still really good for Brian. It is our main source of income but we just aren't making enough with it right now with our ever-growing family. Hopefully he will get promoted...one day...

Speaking of the ever-growing family, I can't believe I'm 22 weeks along with this one! I LOVE love feeling the baby kick. He/She has REALLY grown a lot in the last bit because I can feel him/her EVERYwhere! I have felt like poop the last couple of days but that's to be expected.

Anyway, that's our life! I'll finish this post with some pics of the boys painting the other day...so cute!

I need to...

2009-07-25T09:02:00.002-04:00

make time for blogging on here. I make time for my other two blogs!

Okay, pictures to come, I promise.

Today is my 20-week mark! I honestly can't believe I'm half-way through! It seems like just yesterday I was marrying Brian in Nauvoo and here we are a few months away from our third child! Crazy!

Harrison is excited for this baby. He tells me it's a boy baby all the time. But we won't know until December when this little once makes his/her appearance! I feel really good overall. I took my gestational diabetes test two days ago, so we will see if I have it again with this one. I hope not, but oh well if I do.

We are having a great summer playing. Yesterday was the zoo, day before was a consignment kids' fair and I got Harrison his first bike! We are excited for that. Off today to get him a helmet.

I am a VERY blessed girl!

17 Weeks!

2009-07-08T23:26:00.001-04:00

I can't believe I'm almost half way through this pregnancy -- holy does time fly! I'm so excited about this baby!

Whoa...

2009-06-22T11:47:00.002-04:00

I have SO much to catch up in Blogworld. If anyone out there is still reading this -- SORRY!

Harrison's 3rd birthday has come and gone and I haven't posted the pics yet. I will. We were supposed to do his real party with friends but he got a WICKED fever so we didn't end up having a real birthday party for him -- that's two years in a row, poor dude. I will post pics of the family party we had for him on his birthday eventually!

And May was wedding month for me, I shot four weddings within two weeks, so I'm still recovering from that. I have a kajillion images to go through! I will get to them. You can check out my blog www.dbimagesblog.wordpress.com to see all of the weddings.

And then I spent the beginning part of June getting ready for our first family road trip. We drove up to Memphis for Brian's sister's wedding. 2,400 miles is a LOT of driving. The boys were amazing. The only time they fussed was when they were hungry or tired. I really do have amazing children. We did not take a portable DVD player. The kids read books, played with toys and we all just had a great time. I don't think I will do a road trip like that being pregnant again, though. That part was rough!

Harrison didn't have a single accident in the car, which was great. He's never really had an accident so I wasn't that concerned, but we've also never been too far from a bathroom, but he did great!

Sterling is content as long as he is eating LOL. He was great!

The wedding was beautiful. I, of course, was the photographer. I'm just uploading the pictures now. Unfortunately they have to wait in line to get edited because I have thousands of images ahead of them.

So, we are still alive. Barely, but we are! More posts with pics to follow!

Happy Birthday to me!

2009-05-21T10:23:00.002-04:00

I turned the big 2-8 yesterday! It was a great day! The boys' present to me was a 4-hour nap in the afternoon. Not long after the nap I got a phone call from Edible Arrangements making sure I would be home for a delivery -- of COURSE I would be! I got chocolate dipped strawberries from a wedding coordinator I work closely with -- how sweet!

Brian got home and brought me Hoffman's chocolates and fudge -- yum! And of course, no birthday is complete without a cake, and my fave is a Dairy Queen ice cream cake! So we started dinner with that and the chocolates LOL. A few hours later we picked up Olive Garden for dinner -- it was yummy.

It was a great birthday! I have some pictures to post from it.

I don't feel any older but I'll take the presents :)

Mother's Day

2009-05-09T11:48:00.003-04:00

I don't get into the commercialized aspect of Mother's Day, Valentine's Day, etc. I am very blessed that my husband just surprises me throughout the year with fabulous little gifts and I Love You's just because. I did get a FANTASTIC gift this year from him, which is also a birthday present since my birthday is coming up. We have been talking about getting a smaller TV for our bedroom just because at night it's nice to watch TV together and the couch isn't always my favorite place to fall asleep LOL. Also, I feel like I get more done like I can fold laundry and stuff upstairs since that's where our laundry 'room' is. Anyway, we've been talking about it for a long time.

Brian totally rocks because he knows we don't have the money to go out and buy a new TV but a friend of ours is moving and had to get rid of everything. He had been saving any extra money he got at work or just money without me knowing and had enough to buy the TV from our friend. :D It has a built-in DVD player which is really nice too because it saves room and we don't have to buy one for up there too. Anyway, I thought it was very thoughtful of him.

He rocks.

So, I don't get into the hype of Mother's Day, but I have to admit it is nice to have a day for us mommies! Thankfully I am told often how much I'm loved as a Mommy in this house!

Anyway, here's a shout out to my favorite mommy in the entire world -- MY MOM! My mom and dad are serving a mission for our church right now and it is very hard not to be able to call them all the time and brag about my kids, BUT I know they are doing the right thing and they will grow and be even more awesomer (hahaha) because of it! If I am a tenth the mom that my mother was, I'll be doing great. There isn't anyone on this earth more giving or loving than her. Both of my parents are amazing, but I'll rave about my dad on Father's Day ;) I love you, Dad!

Anyway, another Mother's Day is here tomorrow. May all you mommies have an amazing Mother's Day and remember you totally rock because you are doing an amazing job whether you think so or not!

Questions I HATE right now

2009-05-08T21:07:00.001-04:00

"Was that on purpose?"
"You PLANNED that?"
"Oh, is this an 'oops'?"
"Are you serious?"

YES, people, this baby was on purpose. He/she was planned and tried for. No, NONE of my children are oops's. Yes, I'm serious.

I can't BELIEVE the nerve of people. Do you know what I actually told someone?

My husband and I are VERY happily married. We have s . e . x. and yes, we know that's where babies come from.

For the record, don't ever ask me if any of my children are planned -- THEY ARE ALL PLANNED.
Also, we have very young children, you will see me pregnant for the next several years, all of these babies are wanted and were/will be made on purpose.

And lastly, NO CHILD SHOULD EVER BE CALLED AN 'OOPS'. Ugh, that makes me mad.

Why am I SO weird for being pregnant? I know I'm not in Mormon-ville where everyone is pregnant all the time, but come on people, there are ACTUALLY people in the world that want more than two children closer than 3 years apart from each other.

Sorry. Rant over.

Sometimes I forget...

2009-05-04T21:47:00.003-04:00

how lucky I really am.

Today Harrison fell asleep on the ottoman just as I was getting ready to head out the door to the library. So instead of waking him up, I let him sleep and I got Sterling out of his crib to play with toys in Harrison's room so I could do laundry. Harrison rarely naps, and he is much more fun to be around when he has napped LOL.

Anyway, he woke up about an hour later from his nap out of sorts and really sad and grumpy. He just wanted me. So I put down everything I was doing and I snuggled him on his bed. I kid you not, a minute later and he was fast asleep in my arms. He hasn't done that in ages. Instead of laying him down in his bed to go and finish the laundry I was in the middle of, or start cleaning his bathroom like I need to, I just sat there. I soaked it up. I snuggled my little guy and cried and cried. I didn't get mad at Sterling for pulling out all of Harrison's pajamas that I had *just* folded and put away. I just embraced the moment and snuggled and snuggled.

I bawled like the baby I am. Yes, I'm sure some of it had to do with pregnancy hormones. But I sat there and I realized that that is EXACTLY why I am a stay-at-home mom. No mother should miss a moment like that. It was a beautiful moment that I got to share with my special little angel.

Okay, where does all of this come from? I just finished reading Dr. Laura's new book, "In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms". Amazing. I have always known that being a SAHM is the most important thing I can do for my kids and my family. It was never really a question of me going back to work. My job is to stay at home with our children and raise them. The problem is that society doesn't always agree with that and I have found myself defending my choice to be a SAHM. Screw anyone that thinks I have to defend myself. I don't.

Her book reinforced everything I believe -- I swear I wrote half the book! I am incredibly blessed to have married the perfect man who stands behind me 110 % in everything I do and believe. He has never questioned me staying home and believes it is the right thing for our kids. That is a HUGE part of being a happy SAHM. I know other SAHMs that complain that their husband's don't help much with the kids and tell them that it's their job to raise the kids. No, sweetie, it's *our* job to raise the kids. It's my job when you are at work and it's our job when you are home. I am a happy SAHM. I don't have to say that I am -- this is my blog, I could rant about having bad days. Afterall, the name of this blog is Mommy Is Crazy. I have my days. We all do. But, this book has helped me see the better parts of each day and not focus on the bad parts.

Another aspect of the book that I really was struck by was her emphasis on keeping your home clean and tidy and budgeting. I suck at budgeting. That isn't an understatement. I suck and I always have. But she made an interesting point to almost make a game of seeing how much money you can save. DUH--that's genius! I'm already thinking differently about my spending habits. May is a new month of the Bohn family and I'm excited to start budgeting for real this time. Thanks to this awesome site she recommends in the book, I really think this is doable http://www.mint.com/. Amazing site.

And about keeping the house clean and tidy, I'm pretty good at that. We don't live in a pigsty -- although, today Harrison told me as I was sweeping the floor "Mom, this house is a MESS!" LOL. I am not saying my house is perfect, but I'm doing better. I hate cleaning...if you like to, please come over! But, again, I'm blessed with an amazing husband that doesn't come home to a messy house and sees the mess, he sees the paint I'm covered in and the kids are happy and we are playing with fingerpaints and he joins in. Not everyone is as lucky as I am, but I wish you all could be. They broke the mold when they made my husband :D

Anyway, run now and get the book! I got it at Costco, but you can get it everywhere. http://product.half.ebay.com/In-Praise-of-Stay-at-Home-Moms_W0QQtgZinfoQQprZ69581343

And the biggest news...

2009-04-14T10:09:00.004-04:00

We are expecting another baby! I am SO ridiculously excited about this! I am always excited to bring new little ones into the world. I LOVE being pregnant, yes, even though I birth baby elephants and I'm high risk.

I am just so excited -- we both are, actually. Brian is always so cute about me being pregnant. I love it!

I had Harrison tell Brian, it was cute! Then we had Harrison call all of the family and friends and tell them.

My parents are on their mission and they will have three new grandbabies when they get home because my sister-in-law and my sister are also expecting! How fun!

We are SO excited!

A little MIA, sorry!

2009-04-14T09:56:00.007-04:00

Wow...so much has been going on! Sterling's birthday party was a HUGE hit, I'll attach pictures. His cake took me until 3:30 in the morning, but totally worth it. I learned how to make my own fondant and it ROCKED and tasted good! In case you couldn't tell, it was a barn theme LOL -- Old Macdonald's Farm.

I have also been trying to catch up on my work. May is my busiest month by far, four weddings, so I'm trying to make sure all of my other work is caught up before that hits so I can start it fresh and easy and not be piled under more pictures. So I've been staying up designing albums and editing. I'm getting through it slowly but surely!Brian is getting interviewed for a local Delray paper of some sort about McDonalds' new McCafe coffees and stuff. Sterling started WALKING today! He is so cute and proud of himself!Yesterday was a LONG day. Poor little Sterling threw up 8 times, and the last time being in the waiting room at the pediatrician's office. That actually worked out well for me because they rushed us in asap after that. They ended up giving him an anti-nausea shot because he couldn't even keep Pedialyte down. Poor guy. But, he is doing much better today and has stopped throwing up!Harrison is my little musical genius. He LOVES music. He will follow me for five notes on the piano and I am sure he has an ear for it because he will try to find the same note I started on and he does it by listening, not by sight. He also picked out a guitar in a song yesterday on the radio, which kind of blew me away. We do study a lot of music in our 'school' but I haven't done a lot lately with it and guitars we haven't covered in a few weeks so I was surprised.I will end with more pictures of Sterling's bday!

STERLING'S FIRST BIRTHDAY!

2009-03-25T19:52:00.004-04:00

Can you believe he is 1??????? I can't. I swear I just had him.

What can Sterling do?
-say mamamama
-say dadadadadada
-say bababababa
-say this
-can play peek-a-boo
-you can crawl
-you took your first step two days ago but aren't walking
-you are not using bottles anymore! Sippie only. You didn't even miss your baba!
-You laugh and giggle ALL the time!
-You have blue eyes that would melt any heart!

I'm taking him for his 1-year check up tomorrow -- I hate doctor's visits. Poor guy! I'll let you all know the stats tomorrow!

And now, the images of my gorgeous baby boy!